Her Best Christmas, and Mine too.

All season long she had told anyone, and everyone, very clearly, in great detail, and a small little voice that all she wanted for Christmas was the "Princess Klip Klop Stable." She was three years old, and was discovering the magic, the excitement, and the spirit of Christmas. That Christmas season my daughter, Grace, was becoming aware that there were many components to 'Christmas.' We spent time talking about all the traditions that have been held for generations, and some new ones that her dad and I started just for her. A visit with Santa, shopping, card making, and decorating the house and Christmas tree filled our days. We bustled to the homes of friends and family to decorate cookies and gingerbread houses, share meals, and exchange gifts. Advent, nativity scenes, Christmas Eve service, scriptures, and carols. Our days were busy and long, but joyous and full of memory making. 

In fact, I don't think even now, four years later, I ever fully realized the gift my daughter gave me that year. My all time, most favorite, single greatest Christmas memory came that year. Watch the video below to see what it is!

Christmas 2013

If you're unable to see the video, I'll tell you what I love about it. Gracie woke up Christmas morning and had realized that maybe, possibly, if everything we told her was true, that Santa would've come and left her gifts; maybe even the 'Princess Klip Klop Stable.' She sneaks around the couch and to her delight she finds exactly what she asked for! As she runs to the toy, she stops, stares at it, and becomes quiet. Then I hear a whimper, and another, and a sniffle. She's crying. She is so overcome with happiness, gratefulness, and what appears to be disbelief. It was the perfect moment. 

So as each year has passed I find myself watching that video. It makes me pause and smile, and laugh at her little voice. But this year was different, my reaction was different, I was different. This year that memory revealed to me a small glimpse of how our Heavenly Father might have felt when He sent down His Son, the greatest gift He had to offer. Our world knew they needed a savior, they had been promised a messiah, and while they expected God to do something; I don't think they were prepared for all that He did with a little baby. 

To be fair though; even after hearing the story of Jesus and the promise he shared with the world, as the Bible says it pretty clearly "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16 NIV) It took me some time and growing up to understand what God was offering. He was, and still is, offering a piece of himself. Offering all the things we need, and the deepest desires of our heart; all while accepting our flaws and mistakes, and loving us every step of the way. I needed to experience God, (and in my case experience Him over, and over, and over) to trust that the gift was actually right in front of me, when I didn't deserve it, I didn't earn it, and I couldn't afford it; but there it was. I imagine I felt like Gracie did on that Christmas morning, excited, overwhelmed, unexpected, and unworthy, but mostly marveling at the wonder of having the thing you desire most.

What took me four years to learn though, is how the parent giving the gift must feel. That Christmas morning I watched the person I loved more than I could comprehend, experience one of the greatest joys she had ever known. I was responsible for her, and while often it was a challenge to navigate her needs and best interests; there was no greater joy for me than to see her learn, love, and thrive. The scriptures tell us how God identifies with and experiences the same responsibility, hopes, and unconditional love for us. Christmas started with a baby, born in a manger; no extravagance, no fanfare. Those that knew the baby born that night though, knew it was the greatest gift of all, no matter that they too were unworthy, unprepared, and overcome with how that gift would change the world. 

"And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son." 

(John 1:5-11 NIV)

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

So Let Go My Soul

I am afraid it is time for a dose of reality. 

My parents have sold their house.  

I grew up here. I began staying over immediately and progressively from the age of three to six I moved in full time as my Mom and Dad were unable to care for me and my little sister. We painted my room six times, and rearranged the furniture 167 times.  My grandpa helped me to ride a bike, shushed my sleepovers, made Minnie Mouse pancakes, played catch in the front yard, and taught me how to pick and complete my March Madness bracket from the Sunday paper. My grandma spent hours washing, brushing, braiding or rolling my hair in rollers, used her heart and hands to teach me how to cook family meals handed down generations and new adventurous recipes clipped from the newspaper. They teased me for locking myself out, constantly, and they took my door off the hinges for slamming it one too many times. They tucked me in as a little girl in my big bed, cheered every time I came barreling through the kitchen with some piece of great news or accomplishment, and they held me on the edge of their bed when my heart was broken. But mostly we did homework, watched Jeopardy, and sang under the stars in the hot tub. I think by now that it's clear the memories made in the last twenty nine years are imprinted in my character, my being, my heart, and the depths of my soul. And these are just my memories. I have siblings. And a large family, and an even bigger extended family, and to add to that all our friends that became family. So much life was lived in one home, so much love grew and was poured on all who were there. 

Granddaughters Brittney (2) and Cassey (5) Summer 1990

But it wasn't the house that made the memories. It was the family. It was my parents. They made it our home. I don't think my heart could contain any additional gratitude, pride, or love for what they have done there the last 29 years. But it is time to let go. It is time to move on. 

Just over a year ago, my grandma Judi was diagnosed with moderate/severe dementia and early Alzheimer's disease. First the good, she is in the early stages, she is responding well to new medications to aide focus and reduce anxiety. She may not be able to solve calculus or give great driving directions, but thankfully she still knows that I don't like mayonnaise on my sandwiches or that my sister is just months away from completing her masters degree to be an elementary teacher. She still knows and can recall the important stuff, for that we are all extremely grateful. Her health and her mind are a gift, one that we don't want to take for granted. Someday the Alzheimer's may come full force, but we cannot live our life in fear of that day. We can only celebrate every day that we still have her present. 

Granddaughter Brittney's College Graduation 2017

My parents have been aging, and that is no picnic to go through or watch. So just as I am always asking myself if there is anything I can do to help my children to be healthier, I have to ask myself the same for my parents. Evaluating the things that they need to be healthy I found myself comparing medicare plans, supplement plans, diets, prescription coverage etc. just trying to find the right concoction to reduce stress, increase relaxation, and allow them to enjoy this phase in their life. But it wasn't in a medical solution that we found the answer. 

It was baseball. And sunshine. And no stress. And the concept of being financially free. And a slower pace. It was a new home, in a new state. After my parents went on a two week vacation in Arizona for Dodger spring training it was clear that they came home healthier, happier, and closer than I had seen in awhile. It was refreshing and exciting. 

Catching a spring training game, go Dodgers!

Visiting the Grand Canyon.

Their current house was already on the market, it is too big, with a plot of land that requires upkeep. They equity was tied up, and they house was over 60 years and aging right along with them. They were already looking to downsize, but none of us expected that journey to take them out of state. They have family here, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, siblings, nieces, nephews, and a lifetimes worth of friends. They have a life here, a good life. 


They also have a good life awaiting in Arizona. They have a brand new house with all the upgrades, all the amenities, and none of the financial stress. Dry heat is one of the best medicines for arthritis and joint pain. Vitamin D and sunshine is proven to reduce depression and encourage activity. A clean slate is there for them to expand their community, to share their love with others, to create a new home. 


This is going to be hard for all of us. 
We can talk about all the future trips planned, the new memories to make. However, we are doing ourselves a disservice if we don't acknowledge and grieve a place that was the epicenter of our lives. My background is in finance and lending, so I have been the point person for the sale of this home and the purchase of the new home is Arizona. Staying busy with those details have kept me distracted. Just like packing, sorting, purging, and preparing for an estate sale has kept my parents, my mom, my aunts, and cousins busy. (My grandmother constructed a mini, eclectic, museum of sorts over the last three decades!) So we have all just pushed the reality of this to the back burner. I need to say it though. My heart is broken. I'm nervous for the future. Change is coming rapidly. Distance will make it harder to follow my grandmothers health as closely as I do now. FaceTime will become our best friend. None of that is enough though to negate the positives and the excitement of the adventure that lies before them. So I will choose to grieve for a moment, but to focus on the goodness, the provision of a new home, an answered prayer to relieve their stress. 

"So let go, my soul, and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name."

Congratulations to my parents on your retirement. You deserve all the joy, happiness, and love that your hearts can hold. And don't worry I'll pick a color scheme for my room in Arizona soon!

New home is Maricopa, Arizona!

The Word of the Year

80% of New Years resolutions will be failed by February according to Business Insider. I don't think anyone who has ever made a New Years resolution will be shocked or surprised by that statistic. Of course different reasons attribute to the failure; commonly unrealistic resolutions to begin with, or not setting goals to breakdown and achieve the resolution. Accountability, procrastination, and life change can also play a role in the failure, as well as a myriad of other reasons. I have fallen into the "failure" category for many resolutions in my lifetime.

So a few years ago I decided to quit making resolutions all together. Instead I questioned and considered why we make New Years resolutions to begin with. During my time spent pondering, mulling over, and of course searching the Internet, I realized it's all because we have a natural desire and need to be improving ourselves. (So did many, many, other people - try googling the questions and you will likely find a plethora of commonalities.) In the end, the article that resonated with me and seemed to answer my need for understanding, and a solution to follow, was a blog/idea/practice called "My One Word." While exploring their concept, this image and statement caught my attention:

Pick Your Word

 

 

 

 

Pick one word. Just one word? Nothing crazy, just one word. Don't set expectations on it, except to focus on it for the entire year. That seemed like something I could stick with, or at least attempt.

So I began the tradition of picking a word each year. And the best part is, it doesn't even have to be done on January 1st! The point is that I was being intentional about improving an area of my life, and in my case, I was inviting God to work with me and through me on that area. Last year, 2016, I picked the word 'Relationships.' It seemed like a pretty large, general area of my life and I had no clue where or how I would begin to approach it. But the word came to me, I couldn't think of another word at the time that struck me as much, so I went with it.

Over that year I would focus on relationships that were present in my life, then those that were no longer. Exploring what I valued and cherished in each, identifying and acknowledging what I could be doing better in each, and then doing it. I held close friendships and made more time to just hang out and spend intentional time with my friends. This was easier than I expected, since most of my friends were happy to spend time together with my kids, or for adult time after they went to bed. I reached out to family and improved boundaries and buried the past in some cases, to move forward. My husband and I went to a summer series of marriage counseling. We learned new ways to communicate, to date each other, and even how to fight better. (Trust me, it's a good thing!) I purposefully and sincerely invested in each of my three daughters individually. Some relationships improved a ton, deepened further than I could have imagined. Some reemerged from the past, and some faded away. By the end of the year it had become just a part of my thought process and heart to be continually praying over my relationships and the people in my life.

I "finished" my relationship challenge a few months ago. But unlike a diet or cleanse that lasts a determined amount of time; I am still present and engaged in relationship building. Only now, I feel ready and prepared to take on a new word.

So in December of last year, about six months ago, I felt the word discipline on my heart. I prayed about it; I talked to my husband about it; and I realized that God was calling me to allow Him to work on me and through me using a focus on discipline. Mulling that idea over, I wasn't thrilled. Relationships were fun to work on, ha! Discipline sounded hard, and like it involved sacrifice and doing things I don't want to. But it was my word, so I was going to do it.

Over the last six months I have been testing the waters on what God had in mind that I may need to be more disciplined about. I look forward to sharing with you my experiences; because resurrecting my blog is one of the ways I want to be more disciplined, and because sharing with an audience can promote accountability, support, questions and challenges. So while I start sharing my journey of learning to be more obedient; consider what your resolutions are/were, or maybe pick a word for yourself. And if you really want to join me, leave your word or resolution in the comments.

XoXo
C

Finding My Mother's Day Joy

Five years ago I was six months pregnant with my first child, a daughter. It was my first official Mother's Day. While I was excited for the "new mom" cards, flowers and brunch that initiated me into a new club, I was honestly mostly relieved.

I was relieved because I believed that I finally had a reason to be happy on Mother's Day. My backstory is long, but the point for this post is simple: I didn't have a mother.

Each Mother's Day I would take time to honor and cherish my grandmother. And trust me when I say she was worth all the praise I could give her and then some. But for days leading up to and all during Mother's Day, I felt a void, I felt left out.

For years I let it get to me, even after I had my own children. The "Mom" gifts everywhere, the cards I would never buy, the silly Facebook posts that I would never share. It was just constant reminders that my birth mother chose time and time again to not do the work, put in the time or build a relationship with me. It was a constant reminder that I was not enough for her. I began to quietly hate and resent Mother's Day.

Then in 2014 infinite wisdom came from my 3 1/2 year old daughter, "Mommy, we need LOTS of cards for all our mommies... like Gigi, and Gramma, and Nana, and Auntie, and Auntie Sarah, and Auntie Chelsea, and Mrs. Larimore, and Miss Mary, and ..." The list literally went on for about 5 minutes. And the best part about this list, is several of the women she listed, don't have children, they aren't "mothers." But with all her enthusiasm, her big heart and her ignorance to what society defined as a "mother" she taught me so much.

Mother's Day is about honoring women. It's about honoring the women who make sacrifices, who nurture, who tirelessly provide care, and support. Women who listen to all our dreams, fears, pointless ramblings and often the mundane actions of our day, all without judgment or impatience. Women who challenge us to push past our limits, who cheer us on, who celebrate when we succeed and who hold us when we fail. Women who help us to piece back together broken hearts, and who warn of clouded judgment. Women who simply showed up.

Those are the women that need to be honored on Mother's Day. And for me, I am so grateful that I have a whole team of women who stand beside me. I am also blessed that I have the opportunity to be a "mother" to my children, my nieces and nephews, my students at church, my friends and anyone that I can walk beside and show grace, support and love.

This Mother's Day, I will choose joy. Because truly, being a mother, being a woman, and being a daughter of God is worth honoring and celebrating. So to all women, traditional Mother's and "Mothers," sisters, aunties, cousins, friends and daughters of the one true king, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. You are worth celebrating.

30 for 30

I wasn't sure how to feel when absolutely none of my family seemed surprised when I told them that for my 30th birthday I want 30 pairs of shoes. My husband rolled his eyes, my parents and in-laws laughed, and my grandmother started telling me what sales I could go to score some great deals. None of them knew exactly what I meant, but I have a feeling they all knew I was serious. To explain more, let me back up a minute. 

Shoes and I have always had a love affair. I love buying them, wearing them but mostly looking at them. See, I have always had the luxury of being able to not only have the shoes I need, but most of the ones I want. This often made for an empty wallet and a full closet. But if I am being completely honest, this post has nothing to do with my want for shoes and ultimately everything to do with their need  for shoes.

Their? Who? 

The hundreds of children in Uganda who will no longer suffer from the pain of jiggers in their feet, but will instead be able to run and play in their new closed toe, protective shoes. I won't get into detail about how jiggers work, the problems they can cause, or the pain that a child goes through to have them removed. But I will say, that having looked at their pictures and read their stories, I have to do something to help. 

That brings us to my big birthday wish. All of you are invited to help me share my birthday with Sole Hope. Sole Hope is an organization that is built with people who are making a real difference in Uganda. One of their main services is to care for the children's feet. They wash them, remove the jiggers, treat any medical infections and then finally fit them with their own pair of protective shoes. I have spent the better part of the last 30 years looking at shoes, and without a doubt the shoes made by Sole Hope are the most beautiful I have ever seen. They are simple, made of denim, but they are literally changing the trajectory of the life of each child that receives a pair. The shoes protect their feet, but the care, love and support they receive with the shoes is what will help them to live a richer life. 

One of the ways that I want to support Sole Hope is to host a "Shoe Cutting Party." It will be a time of fellowship, cutting old denim jeans to be transformed into shoes, and cupcakes. (It is a birthday party after all!) My hope is that we can cut enough denim to make 30 pairs of shoes. The details for the party are at the bottom of the page!

If you've read this far, thank you. This cause, this organization and the faces of these children have grabbed my heart. I encourage you to consider joining us for the party, checking out the stories, pictures and information provided by Sole Hope, or sharing this invite with someone else. 

More info:

Sole Hope
www.solehope.org

Facebook event

Party Details. 

Saturday, April 11th from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm

First Baptist Church of Beaverton
5755 SW Erickson Ave
Beaverton, Oregon 97008

There are many ways for you to help! Ultimately we will need a total of 30 pairs of old denim, that will then be cut into patterns. Each pair of "shoes" that we complete will also need a $10 donation. This is used to cover the shipping to Uganda as well as pay a fair wage to the local shoe maker and tailor that are used there. 

Ways to be involved:
*Make a whole pair yourself (donate denim, cut pattern and include $10)
*Simply donate denim
*Come and just cut out patterns with us
*Sponsor a pair of shoes for $10

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or for more information. I am really excited about this opportunity and look forward to a fun afternoon!

Married Life: Broken Together

Lately I have found myself to be a broken record..."marriage isn't easy...marriage takes work...relationships change...it takes both people..." I have been talking to friends that are struggling in their relationships, I have been talking to newlyweds that are navigating their first (of many) marital challenges and I have been talking to my own husband.

It's no surprise to anyone to hear those things. It is pretty common knowledge; most of us even expect challenges. In fact, the bible promises that if you get married you are going to have troubles. (1 Corinthians 7:28) Even though we know these things, it doesn't soften the blow of how real and deep our pain can be. It is no help that we have expectations, dreams, aspirations and all these ideas of how marriage is supposed to be. Or at least how our marriage is supposed to be. But life has a way of interrupting our best laid plans and throwing a curve ball or two. That stress, exhaustion, and pressure can easily cause a small fight to escalate.

We begin to wonder, where did we get off track? How did we wake up and realize everything blew up? Where do we go now?

The danger lies in who and where we turn, to vent our frustrations, pour out our hurting hearts and confide our deepest pain. Who do you trust when your spouse isn't an option? Where do you go when the one person you want to share with is the one person you can't talk to, or stand to look at? At our wedding our Pastor said that "...we would know each other better than anyone else. We would have the ability to bring each other more joy and happiness than anyone else. But we would also have the power to hurt each other more deeply than anyone else." So when that person that we are closest to, that we trust the most and that love the deepest is the one that is hurting us, where do we go?

I can tell you where not to go.

Facebook. While it is so easy in our pain or anger to pick up our phone, let our fingers fly,  and post a brash and brutal status update. Suddenly 450 of your closest internet friends are intimately involved in your marriage.

Friends. A good friend can be great source of encouragement and support, but I warn you to tread carefully. While most friends will have the best intentions and want to make you feel better, their first goal should be to help you recognize your feelings, and the path to working through things with your spouse. Make sure the friends you confide in are the ones that not only want your marriage to succeed but can speak truth in love to you about it.

Family. Sharing with our family is another area that can provide an abundance of love and support. I know my parents absolutely adore my husband and have accepted him into our family with open arms. As much as they love him, if I were to air my frustrations and share my complaints of our problems, it wouldn't take much to influence their opinion of him. I am still their little girl, and my heart is the one they spent 18 years trying to protect. Families are loyal. So instead of getting into the details of the argument, it's safe to ask families for support and encouragement as you both work through a tough season of your marriage.

At the end of the day we just want to know that in our brokenness that we aren't alone. There is nothing wrong with that. The truth is we are not alone. When the walls are closing in, when the silence is deafening and when we are blue in the face from fighting; we are not alone. The real question comes though in who you invite into your marriage. Is it a friend? A family member or a counselor? God?

In your most intimate of conflicts, I encourage you to take some time to think about where and who you turn to for support. What kind of response do you get when you share? Do you share at all?

Recently my husband and I saw this band in concert, this song moved both of us deeply. With him by my side and God on our team, I would rather be broken together than alone any day.

Supermom

"I don't know how you do it all."

I hear that phrase often; and while I appreciate the sentiments; I feel I need to be honest. 

I don't do it all. 

Currently these are the hats I wear: wife to Paul, stay at home mom to Grace (3) and Avarey (7 months), full time student with a dual major, daughter, cousin, friend, church member, and Cassey. Here's the thing, I love every single one of those hats, and I don't feel I would be complete without any of them. So I do my best, but I certainly don't do it all. Here is a realistic snapshot of my life:

1) My house is a disaster. I mean laundry mountain, toys everywhere, two months worth of mail scattered about, please don't look at my floors...or my shelves...or my pantry. My microwave and toilets are just begging to be scrubbed, but they are competing with the never ending line of dishes, trash and general day-to-day clutter.

2) I tell my kids constantly that I can't play, read, dance etc because I have to finish my homework. I spend 10 hours a week at campus, 3-4 hours meeting with my learning teams, and another 12+ hours on homework. I love learning, finishing school is an important goal, my degree will help my family, but honestly it feels like these next two years are going to take forever.

3) My relationships are suffering. If I haven't called you, seen you or remembered your birthday, please accept my most sincere apology. I have neglected friends and family, I have flaked on play dates, outings and meals. Believe me when I say that I would love nothing more than to catch up with each one of you over coffee or a meal. In fact, I would love to have you over to my house so I can host you and remind you how special you are to me. Sadly though, please see points 1 & 2.

4) I am a complete space cadet and forgetful Frieda. I rely on apps on my phone to remind me to pay bills, finish assignments, pick up the mail, give the girls baths, eat and spend time with my husband.

That's a small sample of the chaos in my life. But here is the good news. My house is ok. We can live here, and it's getting better. Paul is an amazing help and Grace is learning to take care of her things too. The house will get clean...someday.

I do make time to spend with my family. I recently prioritized my health and family. I need to take care of my body and my family - or I won't have anything to work with to accomplish my other goals.

I got my first B. I have been working my butt off and maintaining a 4.0- which is great, but completely unnecessary.  It's okay that I got a B. I worked hard, I learned the material but I am learning to balance my time and energy.

I'm trying to maintain my relationships. I care about you, all of you. And I hope that we can grab coffee, or better yet, that we can go sit in the shade while the kids play. I miss and crave adult conversation, but honestly I am too overwhelmed to ask for it. So please, call me, text me- I will make time.

So maybe it is possible that "I do it all." But maybe I am getting a B average. And that is something I am learning to be okay with.