Parent Fail.

Relatively speaking Grace is an easy child. I say relative, because for us that includes her boundless energy, lack of fear and the ability to make us laugh instead of yell during one of her mischievous adventures. She was a great baby, eating and sleeping well. She transitioned to solid foods like a champ and began sleeping in a big girl bed with no problems. Most recently she made great strides in potty training. Once she is ready to learn something it just clicks.

So when she all of a sudden started having "accidents" in her underwear over the last 2 weeks both Paul and I grew frustrated and impatient with her. We knew she was capable of using the bathroom, she had been doing so well and it just felt like she didn't care anymore. We were disappointed and discouraged. We tried to remain calm and encouraging with her, we tried new rewards and incentives, we structured her schedule and got her back into her routine. It wasn't working, she was still having accidents and acting like it was out of her control.

Because it was out of her control.

Today I started piecing together her behaviors and symptoms and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My child wasn't regressing, rebelling or being plain stubborn; she had a urinary infection. I called the doctor, jumped through some hoops and got her a same day appointment. The doctor confirmed what my instincts were screaming. We picked up some antibiotics and headed home.

At the end of the day, Paul and I felt the same way; we had been too harsh on her. We let our frustration and our expectations take over our reactions and we were simply too hard on her. We apologized to her, told her that we make mistakes too and made sure she got extra cuddles tonight before bed. As badly as I feel, I won't beat myself up over it; instead I will try to learn from this experience. My intentions were good, I believed in my child and her capabilities. My failure came when I reacted before looking at the situation fully.

These are the days where I realize just how hard being a parent can be. 

Night Terrors and Mommy Fears

Grace has been occasionally having night terrors for the last year and a half. I typically wake up to her screaming and sobbing, usually sitting in bed and appearing to be awake yet she has no awareness of her surroundings or my presence. There is little I can do to comfort her - mostly I rub her forehead and speak calming words to her until she calms down and falls back asleep. I feel helpless, horrified and heart broken. 

The next morning Grace will wake up bounding with energy and acting like her happy go lucky two year old self. Meanwhile, I am exhausted from not sleeping, because even after she falls back asleep, I lie awake, praying for her peace and comfort, wondering what she was dreaming, googling how to prevent it etc etc. She doesn't remember anything, and I remember everything.

That's what fear does though. It gets inside of us, it grows and can eventually consume us. I know that there are nights that I will wake up to her cry and by the time I am falling back asleep I have gone through every possible bad thing that could ever happen to her. Fear does that. It robs us of our comfort, our peace and our strength. 

It's natural for fear to come easily in parenthood, after all being responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of another human is scary. But fear will gladly infiltrate every other area of our life. Our relationships, our jobs, school, our daily life and our faith. 

So how do we conquer fear? The only answer for me is God. He is the only one who can promise to relieve my fears and actually deliver. The bible has tons of scripture about fear, in fact it's what we are talking about at VBS this week: Facing Fear and Trusting God. But I keep coming back to the scripture that seems to provide me with comfort, hope, encouragement and peace in every situation. 

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

It's pretty direct, it's a promise and it conquers all fear. I hate that Grace has night terrors, but she has God caring for her, and He blesses her every time she wakes with no memory of the horrible night. I have fears daily, but I am blessed by God every time I remember that He is here for me. None of my fears are bigger than Him. 

Now, the hard part is what we are teaching the kids this week, trusting God. It's not natural to relinquish our sense of control and our own pride when it comes to turning our fears over to God. But it is absolutely necessary. We can't expect Him to do the work in us that He has promised if we won't give Him the control. So this week as we challenge the kids to face their fears and trust God, it's a great reminder for me to do the exact same.