Finding My Mother's Day Joy

Five years ago I was six months pregnant with my first child, a daughter. It was my first official Mother's Day. While I was excited for the "new mom" cards, flowers and brunch that initiated me into a new club, I was honestly mostly relieved.

I was relieved because I believed that I finally had a reason to be happy on Mother's Day. My backstory is long, but the point for this post is simple: I didn't have a mother.

Each Mother's Day I would take time to honor and cherish my grandmother. And trust me when I say she was worth all the praise I could give her and then some. But for days leading up to and all during Mother's Day, I felt a void, I felt left out.

For years I let it get to me, even after I had my own children. The "Mom" gifts everywhere, the cards I would never buy, the silly Facebook posts that I would never share. It was just constant reminders that my birth mother chose time and time again to not do the work, put in the time or build a relationship with me. It was a constant reminder that I was not enough for her. I began to quietly hate and resent Mother's Day.

Then in 2014 infinite wisdom came from my 3 1/2 year old daughter, "Mommy, we need LOTS of cards for all our mommies... like Gigi, and Gramma, and Nana, and Auntie, and Auntie Sarah, and Auntie Chelsea, and Mrs. Larimore, and Miss Mary, and ..." The list literally went on for about 5 minutes. And the best part about this list, is several of the women she listed, don't have children, they aren't "mothers." But with all her enthusiasm, her big heart and her ignorance to what society defined as a "mother" she taught me so much.

Mother's Day is about honoring women. It's about honoring the women who make sacrifices, who nurture, who tirelessly provide care, and support. Women who listen to all our dreams, fears, pointless ramblings and often the mundane actions of our day, all without judgment or impatience. Women who challenge us to push past our limits, who cheer us on, who celebrate when we succeed and who hold us when we fail. Women who help us to piece back together broken hearts, and who warn of clouded judgment. Women who simply showed up.

Those are the women that need to be honored on Mother's Day. And for me, I am so grateful that I have a whole team of women who stand beside me. I am also blessed that I have the opportunity to be a "mother" to my children, my nieces and nephews, my students at church, my friends and anyone that I can walk beside and show grace, support and love.

This Mother's Day, I will choose joy. Because truly, being a mother, being a woman, and being a daughter of God is worth honoring and celebrating. So to all women, traditional Mother's and "Mothers," sisters, aunties, cousins, friends and daughters of the one true king, I wish you a Happy Mother's Day. You are worth celebrating.

30 for 30

I wasn't sure how to feel when absolutely none of my family seemed surprised when I told them that for my 30th birthday I want 30 pairs of shoes. My husband rolled his eyes, my parents and in-laws laughed, and my grandmother started telling me what sales I could go to score some great deals. None of them knew exactly what I meant, but I have a feeling they all knew I was serious. To explain more, let me back up a minute. 

Shoes and I have always had a love affair. I love buying them, wearing them but mostly looking at them. See, I have always had the luxury of being able to not only have the shoes I need, but most of the ones I want. This often made for an empty wallet and a full closet. But if I am being completely honest, this post has nothing to do with my want for shoes and ultimately everything to do with their need  for shoes.

Their? Who? 

The hundreds of children in Uganda who will no longer suffer from the pain of jiggers in their feet, but will instead be able to run and play in their new closed toe, protective shoes. I won't get into detail about how jiggers work, the problems they can cause, or the pain that a child goes through to have them removed. But I will say, that having looked at their pictures and read their stories, I have to do something to help. 

That brings us to my big birthday wish. All of you are invited to help me share my birthday with Sole Hope. Sole Hope is an organization that is built with people who are making a real difference in Uganda. One of their main services is to care for the children's feet. They wash them, remove the jiggers, treat any medical infections and then finally fit them with their own pair of protective shoes. I have spent the better part of the last 30 years looking at shoes, and without a doubt the shoes made by Sole Hope are the most beautiful I have ever seen. They are simple, made of denim, but they are literally changing the trajectory of the life of each child that receives a pair. The shoes protect their feet, but the care, love and support they receive with the shoes is what will help them to live a richer life. 

One of the ways that I want to support Sole Hope is to host a "Shoe Cutting Party." It will be a time of fellowship, cutting old denim jeans to be transformed into shoes, and cupcakes. (It is a birthday party after all!) My hope is that we can cut enough denim to make 30 pairs of shoes. The details for the party are at the bottom of the page!

If you've read this far, thank you. This cause, this organization and the faces of these children have grabbed my heart. I encourage you to consider joining us for the party, checking out the stories, pictures and information provided by Sole Hope, or sharing this invite with someone else. 

More info:

Sole Hope
www.solehope.org

Facebook event

Party Details. 

Saturday, April 11th from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm

First Baptist Church of Beaverton
5755 SW Erickson Ave
Beaverton, Oregon 97008

There are many ways for you to help! Ultimately we will need a total of 30 pairs of old denim, that will then be cut into patterns. Each pair of "shoes" that we complete will also need a $10 donation. This is used to cover the shipping to Uganda as well as pay a fair wage to the local shoe maker and tailor that are used there. 

Ways to be involved:
*Make a whole pair yourself (donate denim, cut pattern and include $10)
*Simply donate denim
*Come and just cut out patterns with us
*Sponsor a pair of shoes for $10

Please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions or for more information. I am really excited about this opportunity and look forward to a fun afternoon!

Married Life: Broken Together

Lately I have found myself to be a broken record..."marriage isn't easy...marriage takes work...relationships change...it takes both people..." I have been talking to friends that are struggling in their relationships, I have been talking to newlyweds that are navigating their first (of many) marital challenges and I have been talking to my own husband.

It's no surprise to anyone to hear those things. It is pretty common knowledge; most of us even expect challenges. In fact, the bible promises that if you get married you are going to have troubles. (1 Corinthians 7:28) Even though we know these things, it doesn't soften the blow of how real and deep our pain can be. It is no help that we have expectations, dreams, aspirations and all these ideas of how marriage is supposed to be. Or at least how our marriage is supposed to be. But life has a way of interrupting our best laid plans and throwing a curve ball or two. That stress, exhaustion, and pressure can easily cause a small fight to escalate.

We begin to wonder, where did we get off track? How did we wake up and realize everything blew up? Where do we go now?

The danger lies in who and where we turn, to vent our frustrations, pour out our hurting hearts and confide our deepest pain. Who do you trust when your spouse isn't an option? Where do you go when the one person you want to share with is the one person you can't talk to, or stand to look at? At our wedding our Pastor said that "...we would know each other better than anyone else. We would have the ability to bring each other more joy and happiness than anyone else. But we would also have the power to hurt each other more deeply than anyone else." So when that person that we are closest to, that we trust the most and that love the deepest is the one that is hurting us, where do we go?

I can tell you where not to go.

Facebook. While it is so easy in our pain or anger to pick up our phone, let our fingers fly,  and post a brash and brutal status update. Suddenly 450 of your closest internet friends are intimately involved in your marriage.

Friends. A good friend can be great source of encouragement and support, but I warn you to tread carefully. While most friends will have the best intentions and want to make you feel better, their first goal should be to help you recognize your feelings, and the path to working through things with your spouse. Make sure the friends you confide in are the ones that not only want your marriage to succeed but can speak truth in love to you about it.

Family. Sharing with our family is another area that can provide an abundance of love and support. I know my parents absolutely adore my husband and have accepted him into our family with open arms. As much as they love him, if I were to air my frustrations and share my complaints of our problems, it wouldn't take much to influence their opinion of him. I am still their little girl, and my heart is the one they spent 18 years trying to protect. Families are loyal. So instead of getting into the details of the argument, it's safe to ask families for support and encouragement as you both work through a tough season of your marriage.

At the end of the day we just want to know that in our brokenness that we aren't alone. There is nothing wrong with that. The truth is we are not alone. When the walls are closing in, when the silence is deafening and when we are blue in the face from fighting; we are not alone. The real question comes though in who you invite into your marriage. Is it a friend? A family member or a counselor? God?

In your most intimate of conflicts, I encourage you to take some time to think about where and who you turn to for support. What kind of response do you get when you share? Do you share at all?

Recently my husband and I saw this band in concert, this song moved both of us deeply. With him by my side and God on our team, I would rather be broken together than alone any day.

Supermom

"I don't know how you do it all."

I hear that phrase often; and while I appreciate the sentiments; I feel I need to be honest. 

I don't do it all. 

Currently these are the hats I wear: wife to Paul, stay at home mom to Grace (3) and Avarey (7 months), full time student with a dual major, daughter, cousin, friend, church member, and Cassey. Here's the thing, I love every single one of those hats, and I don't feel I would be complete without any of them. So I do my best, but I certainly don't do it all. Here is a realistic snapshot of my life:

1) My house is a disaster. I mean laundry mountain, toys everywhere, two months worth of mail scattered about, please don't look at my floors...or my shelves...or my pantry. My microwave and toilets are just begging to be scrubbed, but they are competing with the never ending line of dishes, trash and general day-to-day clutter.

2) I tell my kids constantly that I can't play, read, dance etc because I have to finish my homework. I spend 10 hours a week at campus, 3-4 hours meeting with my learning teams, and another 12+ hours on homework. I love learning, finishing school is an important goal, my degree will help my family, but honestly it feels like these next two years are going to take forever.

3) My relationships are suffering. If I haven't called you, seen you or remembered your birthday, please accept my most sincere apology. I have neglected friends and family, I have flaked on play dates, outings and meals. Believe me when I say that I would love nothing more than to catch up with each one of you over coffee or a meal. In fact, I would love to have you over to my house so I can host you and remind you how special you are to me. Sadly though, please see points 1 & 2.

4) I am a complete space cadet and forgetful Frieda. I rely on apps on my phone to remind me to pay bills, finish assignments, pick up the mail, give the girls baths, eat and spend time with my husband.

That's a small sample of the chaos in my life. But here is the good news. My house is ok. We can live here, and it's getting better. Paul is an amazing help and Grace is learning to take care of her things too. The house will get clean...someday.

I do make time to spend with my family. I recently prioritized my health and family. I need to take care of my body and my family - or I won't have anything to work with to accomplish my other goals.

I got my first B. I have been working my butt off and maintaining a 4.0- which is great, but completely unnecessary.  It's okay that I got a B. I worked hard, I learned the material but I am learning to balance my time and energy.

I'm trying to maintain my relationships. I care about you, all of you. And I hope that we can grab coffee, or better yet, that we can go sit in the shade while the kids play. I miss and crave adult conversation, but honestly I am too overwhelmed to ask for it. So please, call me, text me- I will make time.

So maybe it is possible that "I do it all." But maybe I am getting a B average. And that is something I am learning to be okay with.

Keep You Safe

I never understood truly what the meaning behind the phrase "to go all mama bear." I guess I always assumed that as a parent you would do anything within your power to protect your child from all harm. And maybe my own family dysfunction prevented me from seeing first hand what it means for a parent to fully and sincerely protect and elevate the well being of the child. But now, I am a parent and especially in the last year I have found myself being the ultimate mama bear.

There is a lullaby I sing to the girls each night by the artist JJ Heller and it's called "Keep You Safe" the chorus is this:

"My love is a light driving away all of your fear. 

So don't be afraid, remember I made,

A promise to keep you safe."

It seemed natural to me to promise that I would keep them safe, in fact I am pretty sure it is rule number 2 in the parent handbook. (Rule number 1 is to love them unconditionally) In the last year I have found myself exploring though what exactly it means to keep them safe, safe from what, or rather from who?

The basics are pretty obvious. We use the appropriate car seats, provide a safe home, nutritious meals, well child check ups, bike helmets, proper hygiene, hand holding across the street, supervision in public, stranger danger etc. 

But what about the harder, more gray areas? What about the people we are close to? The situations that don't have an automatic answer? What if you had a family member who was a constant drunk - do you take your kids around them, or would that be unsafe? What if a family member was physically abusive? Hard to keep your kids away, but seems pretty necessary to keep your children safe from any kind of hazard or potential abuse right?

I come from a large, funny, loud, and loving but dysfunctional family. Mental illness, codependency, emotional meltdowns, guilt trips and manipulation run rampant in my family. I will be the first to admit I was guilty of all of the above. (Maybe someday I will write my testimony of the power of how faith, therapy, a support system, and medication can change a person completely) But anyway, I know personally what strong demons can be within a person and how confusing, exhausting and emotional it is to suffer with mental illness. I do not wish it on my worst enemy and I pray for all those affected. Mental illness is a great deceiver. It convinces you that your perceptions of a situation are correct, it robs you of your ability to explore other opinions, perceptions or possible truths. It is near impossible to separate emotion from objective understanding. Even with the best of intentions and the most loving of hearts, mental illness can encourage a person to see the worst in others, act irrationally and hurt those around you deeply. Mental illness makes you forget that anyone else could possibly be as hurt as you, as well intentioned as you or as honest as you. Mental illness is a jerk.

So what does this have to do with my kids? Everything. 

For years I tolerated and empathized with the members of my family that I could not see eye to eye with. I played their games, I accepted the role of villain and allowed them to be a victim. I sympathized with their misery and I prayed for their demons. I made nice and genuinely gave them chance after chance after chance every time they emotionally erupted all over me with no regard to my feelings or anyone else in their path. There were no boundaries, no consequences and relationships could never progress past the surface. I felt empty, used and abused; because I was. It started as a child and continued as an adult. My self esteem, value, beliefs and understanding of what it meant to be "family" were completely distorted. There were members of my family who did their very best to protect me and keep me safe from it all, but unfortunately they were just too close to the situation. The only person who can stop mental illness is the person who suffers from it, no one else can change them. So you have a few choices: deal with that situation as is, set and enforce healthy boundaries or remove that situation all together. 

When I became a parent I tried the first choice. I knew that was just how it had always been and it was likely to never change. But then there was an instance that a family member had a complete emotional meltdown because I asked why they were late. She yelled, sobbed, threw things, made horrible accusations, immediately started referencing the past and drove off like a maniac. All of this in front of my four month old daughter. I got all mama bear. 

I sought the guidance of my counselor, my pastor and a trusted friend. I prayed and prayed and read and prayed and wrote and prayed and thought and prayed. I decided to take cues from the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. I knew that what had happened was not okay on any level and that as a parent it was my job to protect my children from that happening again. I asked for three rules:

1. No discussing the past. It's over. Let's build a relationship for the future. 

2. There are only two people in this relationship. No gossip, no ganging up.

3. We act like adults. No meltdowns, no screaming matches, no temper tantrums, no feuds. 

 Unfortunately mental illness won again and a couple family members couldn't agree. In fact, mental illness convinced them I was being selfish, a bad Christian, mean and fake. That hurt in places so deep I can't even tell you. The worst part is that for me to enforce these boundaries and protect myself, my husband and my two daughters from the mental, verbal and emotional abuse that is constant in certain family members, we have to keep our distance. I know that this is killing some people in my family, the people who don't deserve it, the peace keepers and the matriarch. And that breaks my heart. But those people also are able to understand where I am coming from and since they truly know me and my heart, they know my intentions are to sincerely protect my kids. 

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23 NLT

God has provided amazing opportunities in my life. I have the most wonderful, loving, supportive and strong husband, Paul. Together we have beautiful, smart, loving and happy girls. Our job is to not only protect our hearts, but theirs. As we raise them it is our responsibility to build their foundation, to train them up to know that they were created in His image and to fulfill His will for them.

So as hard as it is, as much as it hurts and as confusing as it may be to others; this is probably the most difficult challenge we face to fulfill our promise to our kids to keep them safe. 

**Here is the video to JJ Heller's song - it's our favorite lullaby!**

You Are My Sunshine

For the last year or so I have kept an online journal to the girls. It's a place where I can offer them my thoughts, memories and advice. Some days I tell them how crazy and stressed out they've made me - but that it's ok because it comes with the job. But today was a good day, and I thought I would share how incredibly blessed and proud I am to have been chosen to receive my Grace Tish. 

You are my sunshine

Dear Grace,

I just wanted to take a minute and write down just how truly wonderful you are. I feel so blessed to be your Momma and get a front row seat of how you grow and change daily. Here are my favorite moments from today.

I was in the kitchen and I heard Ava start crying. By the time I could get to my room you were next to her on the bed. You were rubbing her head, leaning in and gently singing 'you are my sunshine.' I paused and watched as you exuded comfort, peace and love on your baby sister. And equally how Ava responded to you. She was completely content, she trusts you, finds comfort in you and smiles everytime she sees you. The compassion and nurture that you show others brings me great joy and pride. 

**Never forget to care about people.**

Later in the day, you and I were cuddling and you told me that you would snuggle and make silly faces if you could nap in my bed. I love that you negotiate and bargain, you get that from Daddy! And because you are always on the move, I took you up on your offer; and I enjoyed every single second that I got to hold you close. 

**Take time to be close to the ones you love.**

Finally, you asked what we were doing today. I told you that I had school. You grabbed my leg, threw your arms around my waist and I begged me not to go. I wanted more then anything to throw my purse down, scoop you up and give you all my time and attention. But I couldn't. You, Avarey, and Daddy are my main reasons for going to school. My education currently gives me a place to recharge, be challenged and grow in different ways then being home with you. It allows me to finish a goal I set and fulfill a dream. It will help to provide for our family and secure our future. So while I don't like telling you I can't play because I have homework, and I hate leaving you while I go to class, I am proud of myself. This is something I need to keep me Cassey. I want you to know that someday when you are a wife and mother, that you still do things to remind you who Grace is. 

**Remember that it's extremely important to honor who you are and take care of yourself. Then you will be able to care for others.**

All I all today was a good day. You make me laugh, crazy, tired, joyful and a little nuts. But I wouldn't change a hair on your body, because you are my sunshine. 

Love,

Momma

"Framily"

Six years ago I sat in premarital counseling with Paul and was issued a difficult assignment. 

Create a family tree. 

What??? A family tree? I needed a forest. How did I decide what family to include? Sure, I start with my nuclear family - Mom, Dad, Siblings, Grandparents - that's a good place to start right? Well crap. I don't talk to my mom, between my 3 siblings, we have 3 different moms, I have six grandparents, but I don't know much about 4 of them. Ah my head is already spinning. 

Okay, let's just focus on the "family" that's involved in my everyday life. Not necessarily blood relation, but the people I "do life" with. Okay so that includes my grandparents, they raised me, their friends that have been around the last 40 years and their kids and grand-kids. So now my "tree" was filled with people I lovingly called "aunt" or "cousin." I was good with it, I mean that's who I treated as family, but it still made no sense in tree form. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is why I failed that assignment. Not only could I not create a family tree, I couldn't define what family was to me or what the criteria for being "family" was. It was all too complicated.

So I didn't. I just didn't label it, I didn't define it and I sure as heck didn't over complicate it. I just continued to "do life" with the people I love. 

"Framily."

This morning my grandmother used the word "Framily." and it really got me thinking. At first I thought it was the perfect way to describe how complicated my family tree was; beyond our traditional family branches, were extended family branches, and then the friends-turned-family branches. 

This is how I will describe it going forward. Framily are the people that may or may not be related to me - but they are relate-able to me. We may not share ancestors or blood type; but we share joys, sorrows and life. It's not about where we come from as much as where we can go together. 

I can draw a family tree today. It would be a beautiful portrait of the people who are involved in my life. The people who support me, encourage me, influence me and love me. These people love my husband and my kids. The same way my grandmother's friends adopted me as "niece" my best friend has adopted my girls as her nieces. It's about love.

"We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." 

Dr. Seuss