Married Life: Broken Together

Lately I have found myself to be a broken record..."marriage isn't easy...marriage takes work...relationships change...it takes both people..." I have been talking to friends that are struggling in their relationships, I have been talking to newlyweds that are navigating their first (of many) marital challenges and I have been talking to my own husband.

It's no surprise to anyone to hear those things. It is pretty common knowledge; most of us even expect challenges. In fact, the bible promises that if you get married you are going to have troubles. (1 Corinthians 7:28) Even though we know these things, it doesn't soften the blow of how real and deep our pain can be. It is no help that we have expectations, dreams, aspirations and all these ideas of how marriage is supposed to be. Or at least how our marriage is supposed to be. But life has a way of interrupting our best laid plans and throwing a curve ball or two. That stress, exhaustion, and pressure can easily cause a small fight to escalate.

We begin to wonder, where did we get off track? How did we wake up and realize everything blew up? Where do we go now?

The danger lies in who and where we turn, to vent our frustrations, pour out our hurting hearts and confide our deepest pain. Who do you trust when your spouse isn't an option? Where do you go when the one person you want to share with is the one person you can't talk to, or stand to look at? At our wedding our Pastor said that "...we would know each other better than anyone else. We would have the ability to bring each other more joy and happiness than anyone else. But we would also have the power to hurt each other more deeply than anyone else." So when that person that we are closest to, that we trust the most and that love the deepest is the one that is hurting us, where do we go?

I can tell you where not to go.

Facebook. While it is so easy in our pain or anger to pick up our phone, let our fingers fly,  and post a brash and brutal status update. Suddenly 450 of your closest internet friends are intimately involved in your marriage.

Friends. A good friend can be great source of encouragement and support, but I warn you to tread carefully. While most friends will have the best intentions and want to make you feel better, their first goal should be to help you recognize your feelings, and the path to working through things with your spouse. Make sure the friends you confide in are the ones that not only want your marriage to succeed but can speak truth in love to you about it.

Family. Sharing with our family is another area that can provide an abundance of love and support. I know my parents absolutely adore my husband and have accepted him into our family with open arms. As much as they love him, if I were to air my frustrations and share my complaints of our problems, it wouldn't take much to influence their opinion of him. I am still their little girl, and my heart is the one they spent 18 years trying to protect. Families are loyal. So instead of getting into the details of the argument, it's safe to ask families for support and encouragement as you both work through a tough season of your marriage.

At the end of the day we just want to know that in our brokenness that we aren't alone. There is nothing wrong with that. The truth is we are not alone. When the walls are closing in, when the silence is deafening and when we are blue in the face from fighting; we are not alone. The real question comes though in who you invite into your marriage. Is it a friend? A family member or a counselor? God?

In your most intimate of conflicts, I encourage you to take some time to think about where and who you turn to for support. What kind of response do you get when you share? Do you share at all?

Recently my husband and I saw this band in concert, this song moved both of us deeply. With him by my side and God on our team, I would rather be broken together than alone any day.

Supermom

"I don't know how you do it all."

I hear that phrase often; and while I appreciate the sentiments; I feel I need to be honest. 

I don't do it all. 

Currently these are the hats I wear: wife to Paul, stay at home mom to Grace (3) and Avarey (7 months), full time student with a dual major, daughter, cousin, friend, church member, and Cassey. Here's the thing, I love every single one of those hats, and I don't feel I would be complete without any of them. So I do my best, but I certainly don't do it all. Here is a realistic snapshot of my life:

1) My house is a disaster. I mean laundry mountain, toys everywhere, two months worth of mail scattered about, please don't look at my floors...or my shelves...or my pantry. My microwave and toilets are just begging to be scrubbed, but they are competing with the never ending line of dishes, trash and general day-to-day clutter.

2) I tell my kids constantly that I can't play, read, dance etc because I have to finish my homework. I spend 10 hours a week at campus, 3-4 hours meeting with my learning teams, and another 12+ hours on homework. I love learning, finishing school is an important goal, my degree will help my family, but honestly it feels like these next two years are going to take forever.

3) My relationships are suffering. If I haven't called you, seen you or remembered your birthday, please accept my most sincere apology. I have neglected friends and family, I have flaked on play dates, outings and meals. Believe me when I say that I would love nothing more than to catch up with each one of you over coffee or a meal. In fact, I would love to have you over to my house so I can host you and remind you how special you are to me. Sadly though, please see points 1 & 2.

4) I am a complete space cadet and forgetful Frieda. I rely on apps on my phone to remind me to pay bills, finish assignments, pick up the mail, give the girls baths, eat and spend time with my husband.

That's a small sample of the chaos in my life. But here is the good news. My house is ok. We can live here, and it's getting better. Paul is an amazing help and Grace is learning to take care of her things too. The house will get clean...someday.

I do make time to spend with my family. I recently prioritized my health and family. I need to take care of my body and my family - or I won't have anything to work with to accomplish my other goals.

I got my first B. I have been working my butt off and maintaining a 4.0- which is great, but completely unnecessary.  It's okay that I got a B. I worked hard, I learned the material but I am learning to balance my time and energy.

I'm trying to maintain my relationships. I care about you, all of you. And I hope that we can grab coffee, or better yet, that we can go sit in the shade while the kids play. I miss and crave adult conversation, but honestly I am too overwhelmed to ask for it. So please, call me, text me- I will make time.

So maybe it is possible that "I do it all." But maybe I am getting a B average. And that is something I am learning to be okay with.

Keep You Safe

I never understood truly what the meaning behind the phrase "to go all mama bear." I guess I always assumed that as a parent you would do anything within your power to protect your child from all harm. And maybe my own family dysfunction prevented me from seeing first hand what it means for a parent to fully and sincerely protect and elevate the well being of the child. But now, I am a parent and especially in the last year I have found myself being the ultimate mama bear.

There is a lullaby I sing to the girls each night by the artist JJ Heller and it's called "Keep You Safe" the chorus is this:

"My love is a light driving away all of your fear. 

So don't be afraid, remember I made,

A promise to keep you safe."

It seemed natural to me to promise that I would keep them safe, in fact I am pretty sure it is rule number 2 in the parent handbook. (Rule number 1 is to love them unconditionally) In the last year I have found myself exploring though what exactly it means to keep them safe, safe from what, or rather from who?

The basics are pretty obvious. We use the appropriate car seats, provide a safe home, nutritious meals, well child check ups, bike helmets, proper hygiene, hand holding across the street, supervision in public, stranger danger etc. 

But what about the harder, more gray areas? What about the people we are close to? The situations that don't have an automatic answer? What if you had a family member who was a constant drunk - do you take your kids around them, or would that be unsafe? What if a family member was physically abusive? Hard to keep your kids away, but seems pretty necessary to keep your children safe from any kind of hazard or potential abuse right?

I come from a large, funny, loud, and loving but dysfunctional family. Mental illness, codependency, emotional meltdowns, guilt trips and manipulation run rampant in my family. I will be the first to admit I was guilty of all of the above. (Maybe someday I will write my testimony of the power of how faith, therapy, a support system, and medication can change a person completely) But anyway, I know personally what strong demons can be within a person and how confusing, exhausting and emotional it is to suffer with mental illness. I do not wish it on my worst enemy and I pray for all those affected. Mental illness is a great deceiver. It convinces you that your perceptions of a situation are correct, it robs you of your ability to explore other opinions, perceptions or possible truths. It is near impossible to separate emotion from objective understanding. Even with the best of intentions and the most loving of hearts, mental illness can encourage a person to see the worst in others, act irrationally and hurt those around you deeply. Mental illness makes you forget that anyone else could possibly be as hurt as you, as well intentioned as you or as honest as you. Mental illness is a jerk.

So what does this have to do with my kids? Everything. 

For years I tolerated and empathized with the members of my family that I could not see eye to eye with. I played their games, I accepted the role of villain and allowed them to be a victim. I sympathized with their misery and I prayed for their demons. I made nice and genuinely gave them chance after chance after chance every time they emotionally erupted all over me with no regard to my feelings or anyone else in their path. There were no boundaries, no consequences and relationships could never progress past the surface. I felt empty, used and abused; because I was. It started as a child and continued as an adult. My self esteem, value, beliefs and understanding of what it meant to be "family" were completely distorted. There were members of my family who did their very best to protect me and keep me safe from it all, but unfortunately they were just too close to the situation. The only person who can stop mental illness is the person who suffers from it, no one else can change them. So you have a few choices: deal with that situation as is, set and enforce healthy boundaries or remove that situation all together. 

When I became a parent I tried the first choice. I knew that was just how it had always been and it was likely to never change. But then there was an instance that a family member had a complete emotional meltdown because I asked why they were late. She yelled, sobbed, threw things, made horrible accusations, immediately started referencing the past and drove off like a maniac. All of this in front of my four month old daughter. I got all mama bear. 

I sought the guidance of my counselor, my pastor and a trusted friend. I prayed and prayed and read and prayed and wrote and prayed and thought and prayed. I decided to take cues from the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. I knew that what had happened was not okay on any level and that as a parent it was my job to protect my children from that happening again. I asked for three rules:

1. No discussing the past. It's over. Let's build a relationship for the future. 

2. There are only two people in this relationship. No gossip, no ganging up.

3. We act like adults. No meltdowns, no screaming matches, no temper tantrums, no feuds. 

 Unfortunately mental illness won again and a couple family members couldn't agree. In fact, mental illness convinced them I was being selfish, a bad Christian, mean and fake. That hurt in places so deep I can't even tell you. The worst part is that for me to enforce these boundaries and protect myself, my husband and my two daughters from the mental, verbal and emotional abuse that is constant in certain family members, we have to keep our distance. I know that this is killing some people in my family, the people who don't deserve it, the peace keepers and the matriarch. And that breaks my heart. But those people also are able to understand where I am coming from and since they truly know me and my heart, they know my intentions are to sincerely protect my kids. 

 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23 NLT

God has provided amazing opportunities in my life. I have the most wonderful, loving, supportive and strong husband, Paul. Together we have beautiful, smart, loving and happy girls. Our job is to not only protect our hearts, but theirs. As we raise them it is our responsibility to build their foundation, to train them up to know that they were created in His image and to fulfill His will for them.

So as hard as it is, as much as it hurts and as confusing as it may be to others; this is probably the most difficult challenge we face to fulfill our promise to our kids to keep them safe. 

**Here is the video to JJ Heller's song - it's our favorite lullaby!**

You Are My Sunshine

For the last year or so I have kept an online journal to the girls. It's a place where I can offer them my thoughts, memories and advice. Some days I tell them how crazy and stressed out they've made me - but that it's ok because it comes with the job. But today was a good day, and I thought I would share how incredibly blessed and proud I am to have been chosen to receive my Grace Tish. 

You are my sunshine

Dear Grace,

I just wanted to take a minute and write down just how truly wonderful you are. I feel so blessed to be your Momma and get a front row seat of how you grow and change daily. Here are my favorite moments from today.

I was in the kitchen and I heard Ava start crying. By the time I could get to my room you were next to her on the bed. You were rubbing her head, leaning in and gently singing 'you are my sunshine.' I paused and watched as you exuded comfort, peace and love on your baby sister. And equally how Ava responded to you. She was completely content, she trusts you, finds comfort in you and smiles everytime she sees you. The compassion and nurture that you show others brings me great joy and pride. 

**Never forget to care about people.**

Later in the day, you and I were cuddling and you told me that you would snuggle and make silly faces if you could nap in my bed. I love that you negotiate and bargain, you get that from Daddy! And because you are always on the move, I took you up on your offer; and I enjoyed every single second that I got to hold you close. 

**Take time to be close to the ones you love.**

Finally, you asked what we were doing today. I told you that I had school. You grabbed my leg, threw your arms around my waist and I begged me not to go. I wanted more then anything to throw my purse down, scoop you up and give you all my time and attention. But I couldn't. You, Avarey, and Daddy are my main reasons for going to school. My education currently gives me a place to recharge, be challenged and grow in different ways then being home with you. It allows me to finish a goal I set and fulfill a dream. It will help to provide for our family and secure our future. So while I don't like telling you I can't play because I have homework, and I hate leaving you while I go to class, I am proud of myself. This is something I need to keep me Cassey. I want you to know that someday when you are a wife and mother, that you still do things to remind you who Grace is. 

**Remember that it's extremely important to honor who you are and take care of yourself. Then you will be able to care for others.**

All I all today was a good day. You make me laugh, crazy, tired, joyful and a little nuts. But I wouldn't change a hair on your body, because you are my sunshine. 

Love,

Momma

"Framily"

Six years ago I sat in premarital counseling with Paul and was issued a difficult assignment. 

Create a family tree. 

What??? A family tree? I needed a forest. How did I decide what family to include? Sure, I start with my nuclear family - Mom, Dad, Siblings, Grandparents - that's a good place to start right? Well crap. I don't talk to my mom, between my 3 siblings, we have 3 different moms, I have six grandparents, but I don't know much about 4 of them. Ah my head is already spinning. 

Okay, let's just focus on the "family" that's involved in my everyday life. Not necessarily blood relation, but the people I "do life" with. Okay so that includes my grandparents, they raised me, their friends that have been around the last 40 years and their kids and grand-kids. So now my "tree" was filled with people I lovingly called "aunt" or "cousin." I was good with it, I mean that's who I treated as family, but it still made no sense in tree form. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg. And this is why I failed that assignment. Not only could I not create a family tree, I couldn't define what family was to me or what the criteria for being "family" was. It was all too complicated.

So I didn't. I just didn't label it, I didn't define it and I sure as heck didn't over complicate it. I just continued to "do life" with the people I love. 

"Framily."

This morning my grandmother used the word "Framily." and it really got me thinking. At first I thought it was the perfect way to describe how complicated my family tree was; beyond our traditional family branches, were extended family branches, and then the friends-turned-family branches. 

This is how I will describe it going forward. Framily are the people that may or may not be related to me - but they are relate-able to me. We may not share ancestors or blood type; but we share joys, sorrows and life. It's not about where we come from as much as where we can go together. 

I can draw a family tree today. It would be a beautiful portrait of the people who are involved in my life. The people who support me, encourage me, influence me and love me. These people love my husband and my kids. The same way my grandmother's friends adopted me as "niece" my best friend has adopted my girls as her nieces. It's about love.

"We are all a little weird, and life's a little weird. And when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." 

Dr. Seuss

Schedule Attack

So I sat down last week with my phone, my computer, and several pieces of paper with scribbled notes on them. I was ready to compile a schedule. It took awhile, but I did it - I downloaded an excel template and I won - I filled in every box!! That's winning right? Here's a sample of what I started...

Looking at this schedule I realized it was mostly full, but still missing so many of the things I actually want time for. It proved what I already knew; there are not enough hours in the day. Feeling a bit frustrated and overwhelmed I sat down and started thinking about what I wanted a schedule to accomplish for me. Here's what I came up with:

• Organization of commitments 
• Management of household chores
• Dedicated quality family time
• Personal time to read, write, go to the gym etc
• Condense and make shopping trips more efficient
• Meal Planning

I scoured the web, Pinterest, excel templates and blogs. I found a week at a glance template that I like really well so far. I like that I can print it, draw all over it and post it in the kitchen to review constantly. I can loosely break down and organize my household chores for the week. There isn't room for great detail, but I think I like that. I like that this sheet will literally give me a snapshot at a glance. Here's my first draft:

I think this will work well for the general idea of what is going on day to day. However, it will not provide a detailed calendar or task list. I went back to my research. After downloading a few different schedule apps, I decided to try Cozi. It works with iPhone, Android and has a web platform. One family has a shared account and the calendars can be downloaded into existing apps - like Google calendar. It also has options for meal planning, recipe look up and storage, multiple shopping lists by store, to do lists, a journal and a birthday tracker. It does have a cost of $29.99 a year but I signed up for the 14 day free trial to see how it goes. If it lives up to what I've seen tonight then I will definitely be signing up. I like it best on the web platform, especially for inputting a weeks worth of information. But the phone app is well done and I like that Paul can easily access everything too. Here's what it looks like on my phone. 

Calendar View

Store Specific Shopping List

I'm sure my new system isn't perfect; in fact it's still just a first draft. But I do feel better already that I am able to get a better grasp on my time. Ultimately, now I can make sure I am using my time to accomplish the things that are most important to me first. Then maybe if I am using my time a little more efficiently then I can squeeze a little more out of the measly 24 hours in a day. 

Do you have any schedule tips? Great resources?

My Second Challenge

I was supposed to write this post on Monday. My first challenge was to identify an area that I need to drastically improve. I spent time thinking about it, but not dedicated time. It crossed my mind but I just couldn't decide on what area of my life was the first to get a makeover. So I kept going about my business getting more and more frustrated that I hadn't written this blog post yet. 

Then irony hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I need a realistic, just whelming (as opposed to overwhelming), balanced and organized schedule for our daily life.

I am so disorganized with our time that I am finding a pattern where I start things with good intentions but without a dedicated and committed time to finish them they will never get done. I have been cutting myself some slack since we recently added a second child to the mix. But ultimately I know that when I feel like I know what my goals are daily, how I am structuring my time and what my priorities are, then I can relax more, I can feel success as I check off my list and I can give myself, my husband and my kids the attention they need.

So, I have talked to Paul and tonight we are sitting down, after the girls are in bed, to lay out a first draft of an average schedule for us. We are going to brainstorm and put in place ways for us to keep the schedule and make changes.

Challenge 1 - Identify a first area for improvement - Complete - albeit late, but it's done.
Challenge 2 - Create, organize and share master daily schedule with plan for how to handle changes - To be completed by Friday 01/17/2014

Oh and a special thanks to my best friend Sarah for holding me accountable. She lovingly called me out that I was failing my first challenge. That's obviously exactly what I need and that's why I'm sharing this with all of you!

For those of you that emailed/commented or messaged me - have you set a first goal? Or at least identified an area that needs a drastic makeover?

Oh and this is how I feel when we are on a schedule...

New Year, Same Fear

I've never been the type to make New Year resolutions. The whole idea seemed like a waste of time. Because when I did it, I usually picked something superficial, easily measurable, and socially generic. That way when it didn't stick I could brush it off that it was just a silly resolution. And because on average only 8% of people actually succeed at their resolution, it wouldn't be shocking or even noticeable that I failed. Oddly enough in this whole scenario, the risk and likelihood of failure isn't my fear; my fear is the opposite. My fear is to be successful. 

Marianne Williamson says it best: 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

As an introvert and as someone who doesn't like to 'rock the boat' this quote sums up my greatest and deepest fears. In my mind, if I am powerful, confident and leaving an influence on others, than I am ultimately responsible that the influence I am leaving is one that is positive and for the greater good. That is the terrifying part - I am supposed to be doing this for the glory of God - I am representing His plan, His strength, His love and His power - that's a pretty big job. I could be scared that I wouldn't do this well, I could easily be discouraged by the enormity of the request being made of me. But my fear isn't that I would fail at this challenge, or that I would fall short of God's expectations of me. My fear is that I will blow them out of the water. 

Discipline, organization, education and execution of tasks are strengths of mine. But my greatest and deepest strength is my passion. When I am passionate about something, my whole being becomes enveloped in it. I combine my head knowledge with the compassion and enthusiasm of my heart and I attack with all I have. I think of all the ways my life could improve if I stop holding myself back and allowed success to be my only option instead of settling for 'doing okay.'  This comes with great power. The same great power Marianne was talking about. It is encouraging, it is motivating, it gets you fired up and ready to take on the world. I suppose that is why that quote is used so often. But like most New Year resolutions that quote is empty without action. 

Now is the time for action. 

Instead of resolutions this year I am opting for a plan. It is a change that I want deeply and desperately, I have no idea how to measure it and I am yet to hear of any groups or clubs forming for support and accountability. That is where you come in. You my family, my friends and strangers who happen to find some way to connect through my writings. 

Hold me accountable.  

I plan to take the things in my life that I want to change or improve one at a time and attacking them. I plan to blog my goal, break down my plan for success then share my victories. I will ask for support, help and encouragement along the way. I will be vulnerable in my struggles, my weakness and my fears. I will be raw, transparent and authentic. 

To start I am going to spend today reflecting and praying for my first goal. Tomorrow I will announce my first goal and begin attacking it. Here are some of the many 'resolutions' I considered making. 

More quality time with family

Eat better, lose weight

Go on a mission trip

Finish 6 non-school books

Mentor someone financially, personally and spiritually

Write more

This is your official invitation to join me. This is our opportunity to create success. What are your goals? How do you see yourself being wildly successful and powerful? How can you liberate yourself and others?