I'm Not Who I Was.

Here is my disclaimer. This post has been brewing for a long time, culminating over the last 5 years and finally driving me crazy for the last year. It is not intended to offend or hurt anyone, nor is it about any one person or even a small handful of people. It is about the changes I have experienced, the relationships that have affected me and my own decision and desire to define my identity. This is my personal testimony.

Five years ago I was 21 years old, fun, easy going, caring, outgoing and family oriented. I had a great boyfriend, amazing friends and a wonderful family. I believed in God, I was learning to be independent and I just wanted everyone around me to be happy.

I also had a dark side. I was depressed, lonely, insecure, angry, manipulative and working so hard to maintain the charade that my life was everything it appeared to be. Partying, drinking, disrespecting my parents, abusing money, losing trust, lying, and drama seemed to rule my life. I would lay awake at night anxious that I would be exposed. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.

So what happened?

I found love? I found God? I grew up? I hit rock bottom? Yes to all of those.

Paul and I had been together a year and things were really starting to get serious. As we moved along in our relationship and got engaged the future became so much more immediate. We started attending church more regularly and I felt the Holy Spirit coming alive in me. I had always believed in God but had never trusted Him and definitely not lived a lifestyle that honored Him. So I started making a change. I stopped partying, drinking and really started learning about relationships and boundaries. Paul and I have spent a lot of time learning how to communicate, set expectations, and genuinely respect each other and work together to build our life.The wife I am today is not the same girlfriend I once was; I'm not who I was.

Then came Grace. She rocked my world. I was in awe of my love for her and at the same time I was traumatized by her arrival. Without getting into the past too much, I had a rough relationship with my mother and father growing up. My father was a drug addict and my mother was addicted to my father. They both were doing the best they could with the tools they had, but ultimately the results of their actions and the environments around me did considerable damage. I suffer from depression and with the birth of my daughter, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My postpartum depression has been the lowest point of my life. 

For the last 2 1/2 years I have been working extremely hard to understand my role and power as a wife and mother. I have been learning what I can define in our relationship and what I simply cannot control. This understanding and boundary setting has been useful in other relationships in my life. I work really hard to constantly grow myself but also recognize that sometimes for my own health I need to step back. I used to be extremely co-dependent and insecure; I'm not who I was.

"For the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10) My pregnancy with Grace was unplanned and a complete surprise. At the time I was working a full time job and contributed about 50% of the household income. While my childhood dream was to be a stay at home mom, it just didn't seem realistic. Then I had some complications, was put on bedrest and lost my job. I am still working through some feelings of anger and bitterness and I am making great progress but ultimately it was a really stressful time for us. I am still working to unpack all my feelings. Between my job and all my medical problems I still can't bring myself to write Grace's birth story. But back to money. Ultimately getting fired was one of the biggest blessings. After I worked so hard to get our baby here healthy and in one piece there was no way I would have been able to leave her for work. So we were forced to figure out our money situation. It was hard work, it still is. Our lifestyle radically changed. We don't go out, we don't buy stuff, we don't spend. We scrimp, save and cut costs all over. We hang out at home or our parent's houses. (They even fed us several times a week!) We were good with our decision and proud of our improvements. It really helped that both my in-laws and my parents were really supportive and encouraging. So thanks for that. :) I used to have debt, pay my bills late, and overdraw my account regularly; I'm not who I was.

So now here I am 5 years later; a wife, a mother, a friend and a woman of God. I work hard to be honest and fair. I care about people. I allow myself to be vulnerable and trust people. I like to cook, watch movies, walk around downtown and hang out with my family. I haven't really changed and yet I am a completely different person.

So please show me compassion and patience as I continue to find my way. There are some things that have changed that may be hard for others in my life to get used to. I don't drink, not really. I enjoy of glass of wine over dinner with friends, but I really don't want to hang out at a bar. I don't spend money. I don't want to go to casinos, expensive restaurants, or extravagant vacations. But I would love to cook you a fantastic meal at my house and play a game or watch a movie. I don't gossip. This is a really big part of who I used to be. By talking about other people I was deflecting from myself; classic. But I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable when people start talking badly about others. I will likely smile and nod or agree just because I feel completely awkward. I also don't want to be around people who gossip, no offense but if you are talking that way to me then what do you say about me when you are with the other person. Especially lately this is the one that has hurt the most.

It's okay if you think I am a boring, bible thumping, cheap friend. I won't be mad at you. I am sad at all the relationships that have changed and become distanced, but I have accepted that boundaries are important to me. If we aren't in the same place right now, or we don't see eye to eye on these things; it's okay. There is no love lost. I just won't apologize anymore for not coming around, not going out, or putting Paul and Grace first.

I have a long way to go, and I am proud of where I have come from. My future is exciting and I am just so grateful that I am not who I was.