Grace has been occasionally having night terrors for the last year and a half. I typically wake up to her screaming and sobbing, usually sitting in bed and appearing to be awake yet she has no awareness of her surroundings or my presence. There is little I can do to comfort her - mostly I rub her forehead and speak calming words to her until she calms down and falls back asleep. I feel helpless, horrified and heart broken.
The next morning Grace will wake up bounding with energy and acting like her happy go lucky two year old self. Meanwhile, I am exhausted from not sleeping, because even after she falls back asleep, I lie awake, praying for her peace and comfort, wondering what she was dreaming, googling how to prevent it etc etc. She doesn't remember anything, and I remember everything.
That's what fear does though. It gets inside of us, it grows and can eventually consume us. I know that there are nights that I will wake up to her cry and by the time I am falling back asleep I have gone through every possible bad thing that could ever happen to her. Fear does that. It robs us of our comfort, our peace and our strength.
It's natural for fear to come easily in parenthood, after all being responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of another human is scary. But fear will gladly infiltrate every other area of our life. Our relationships, our jobs, school, our daily life and our faith.
So how do we conquer fear? The only answer for me is God. He is the only one who can promise to relieve my fears and actually deliver. The bible has tons of scripture about fear, in fact it's what we are talking about at VBS this week: Facing Fear and Trusting God. But I keep coming back to the scripture that seems to provide me with comfort, hope, encouragement and peace in every situation.
"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
It's pretty direct, it's a promise and it conquers all fear. I hate that Grace has night terrors, but she has God caring for her, and He blesses her every time she wakes with no memory of the horrible night. I have fears daily, but I am blessed by God every time I remember that He is here for me. None of my fears are bigger than Him.
Now, the hard part is what we are teaching the kids this week, trusting God. It's not natural to relinquish our sense of control and our own pride when it comes to turning our fears over to God. But it is absolutely necessary. We can't expect Him to do the work in us that He has promised if we won't give Him the control. So this week as we challenge the kids to face their fears and trust God, it's a great reminder for me to do the exact same.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
"Hello, My Name Is"
A close and special friend of mine tonight thanked me tonight for being honest with her. Not good friend-I'll tell you the truth as long as it doesn't get too deep- honest, but genuine soul and scar revealing honesty. About a year ago I began telling my story to my family, and now I am ready to take off the mask for everyone.
As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my identity. My childhood was messed up. There was neglect, abandonment, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, insecurity, and self-destructive behaviors. The "damage" was caused by both my parents. Some might speculate that it was my father mostly; he was a drug addict, horrible to my mother and gone most of the time. He made false promises, disappointed me constantly and hurt me deeply. But if I am being brutally honest, it was my mother that left the deepest scars on me.
For the last 26 years I believed my mother didn't love me, but I was wrong. I have learned over the last two years that my mother is incapable of love. So before I share my experience I want to be very clear about this: I love my mother. I pray for her, I desperately want her to get the help she needs. I pray that God would restore her heart and heal her. Unfortunately until that process begins inside of her we are unable to have a relationship.
My earliest memories of my mother are from when I was four years old. My father was using heavily and I had a new baby sister. My mother was broken. She was incredibly depressed, lonely and living in her own world. I have distinct memories of her staring out the window for days. She wouldn't speak, let alone take care of my sister or I. At four years old I began to grow up. I changed diapers, fixed meals and bottles and kept my sister from danger. My grandparents would come get us at times and when we would go to their house I got to be a kid. This began a pattern of my relationship with my mother Doni. Over the years she would pull herself together, then when she would get overwhelmed or her world would fall apart, we would go back to my grandparents.
Most of my memories from my time with Doni are easy for me to recall and horribly painful to relive. I felt like I was the black cloud in her life. I loved my father, I missed him and that made her angry and sad. I loved my grandparents and missed them, that made her angry and resentful of my relationship with them. But most of all I hated her. I hated that she used me to take care of her and my sister. I hated that she would bring up memories or pick fights with me just to make me upset and as miserable as her. I remember so many times having to hang up the phone with her or leave the room because she would push me to an anxiety attack. Her boyfriends were a nightmare. They were sleazy, scummy and users. They would verbally assault me, taunt and torment me and there were several times that one of them would hit me. She didn't believe me. She let it happen.
Becoming a teenager was hard. The good news was I was living full time with my grandparents. I had to go visit on breaks though. She lived in California so it's not like I could go a weekend at a time. Things would always be okay the first week or two but it was inevitable that crap would hit the fan. Every fight we got into was worse than the one before. I was so angry and resentful to her. She felt the same toward me.
I was confused, hurt and I honestly just didn't understand why she hated me so much and yet she was a completely different person to my sister. I struggled with insecurity, abandonment, co-dependency and self-worth from the age of 14. At 16 I decided that if my own parents couldn't love me, I must not be worth it. I attempted to take my own life.
I thank God constantly for the blessing of life He gave me. I was not successful in my attempt and after a stomach pump, in-patient therapy and tons of counseling I made the decision to give myself a chance. I worked very hard in therapy. I had to face the ugliness of not just my childhood but of the person I had become. Over the years I used coping and survival skills that were not healthy or representative of the person I actually wanted to be. I used alcohol, sex, manipulation, guilt, money and food to attempt to fill the hole in my heart. I would do anything and everything to gain attention and affection. I would hurt the people closest to me when I suspected they might be on the verge of seeing my ugliness and leaving. I put on a mask.
I wore that mask for so long that I actually began to believe it was who I was. I believed I was a manipulative unlovable person. Then I got to know someone that would change not only my life, but me from the inside out. I gave my heart, in all it's shattered pieces, to God. I asked for forgiveness, redemption and love. God gave those things to me immediately and completely, it just took me some time to actually accept and receive them. I questioned His faithfulness and sincerity. But finally I felt peace. I felt relief. I felt love and I felt whole. My life verse is Romans 8:31 "If God is for us; who can be against us?" For the first time in my life, at 27 years old I fully and completely trusted that not only was I loveable but God created me in His image; His image!!! I was no longer the broken child of my past.
Once I got to know the person that God created me to be I began on letting go of the demons of my past. I am still in therapy today, I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I have reclaimed most of my life and repaired several important relationships. The one relationship I don't feel capable to reclaim is the one with Doni.
Two years ago I had to set boundaries with Doni because her frequent outbursts and dramatic fights were upsetting and triggering the post traumatic stress responses from my childhood. It wasn't healthy for me to be so overwhelmed and overstimulated while going through therapy and learning how to be a new wife and mother. I asked her for simple boundaries: please don't bring up the past and please don't involve yourself in my other relationship (the ones I hold with my father, sister, grandmother etc) Sadly, she not only refused but had another dramatic meltdown. I remained hopeful that she would calm down and we could someday move forward. I stayed quiet about my "side" of the story. I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and well no one knew about my childhood so how would they understand me now? We didn't speak for two years. I reached out. I sent pictures of Grace, I sent texts, I added her on Facebook. I was trying. I didn't get a single reply.
The final straw was a week before Easter. Doni unexpectedly moved back to Oregon. I was upset at first, mostly because I am pregnant and I really am not in a position for extra stress. But I knew how hard it was on my family that we were not speaking so I reached out again. I offered to go to coffee or counseling, what ever she wanted. She refused me again. It was at that moment that I accepted the fact that my mother does not want to fix things with me. She does not want a relationship with me or my children. It confirmed all my feelings and instincts as a child that she cannot love me enough to give up her resentment and anger.
I'm sorry that my family is hurt by all of this. I hate that my grandmother and sister are in the middle. But I am also sorry that no one knows how this is hurting me. My childhood was much more difficult than I ever let on, I still have deep secrets and scars. I desperately desire a relationship with my mother. My heart is broken that it is likely I will never have one.
If you've read this far, I have one request. Please keep me and Doni in your prayers. My wounds are still hurting but they are also healing. I am not going to be silent anymore. My name is no longer regret and it's no longer defeat.
My name is Cassey, I am wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and a child of God.
As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my identity. My childhood was messed up. There was neglect, abandonment, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, insecurity, and self-destructive behaviors. The "damage" was caused by both my parents. Some might speculate that it was my father mostly; he was a drug addict, horrible to my mother and gone most of the time. He made false promises, disappointed me constantly and hurt me deeply. But if I am being brutally honest, it was my mother that left the deepest scars on me.
For the last 26 years I believed my mother didn't love me, but I was wrong. I have learned over the last two years that my mother is incapable of love. So before I share my experience I want to be very clear about this: I love my mother. I pray for her, I desperately want her to get the help she needs. I pray that God would restore her heart and heal her. Unfortunately until that process begins inside of her we are unable to have a relationship.
My earliest memories of my mother are from when I was four years old. My father was using heavily and I had a new baby sister. My mother was broken. She was incredibly depressed, lonely and living in her own world. I have distinct memories of her staring out the window for days. She wouldn't speak, let alone take care of my sister or I. At four years old I began to grow up. I changed diapers, fixed meals and bottles and kept my sister from danger. My grandparents would come get us at times and when we would go to their house I got to be a kid. This began a pattern of my relationship with my mother Doni. Over the years she would pull herself together, then when she would get overwhelmed or her world would fall apart, we would go back to my grandparents.
Most of my memories from my time with Doni are easy for me to recall and horribly painful to relive. I felt like I was the black cloud in her life. I loved my father, I missed him and that made her angry and sad. I loved my grandparents and missed them, that made her angry and resentful of my relationship with them. But most of all I hated her. I hated that she used me to take care of her and my sister. I hated that she would bring up memories or pick fights with me just to make me upset and as miserable as her. I remember so many times having to hang up the phone with her or leave the room because she would push me to an anxiety attack. Her boyfriends were a nightmare. They were sleazy, scummy and users. They would verbally assault me, taunt and torment me and there were several times that one of them would hit me. She didn't believe me. She let it happen.
Becoming a teenager was hard. The good news was I was living full time with my grandparents. I had to go visit on breaks though. She lived in California so it's not like I could go a weekend at a time. Things would always be okay the first week or two but it was inevitable that crap would hit the fan. Every fight we got into was worse than the one before. I was so angry and resentful to her. She felt the same toward me.
I was confused, hurt and I honestly just didn't understand why she hated me so much and yet she was a completely different person to my sister. I struggled with insecurity, abandonment, co-dependency and self-worth from the age of 14. At 16 I decided that if my own parents couldn't love me, I must not be worth it. I attempted to take my own life.
I thank God constantly for the blessing of life He gave me. I was not successful in my attempt and after a stomach pump, in-patient therapy and tons of counseling I made the decision to give myself a chance. I worked very hard in therapy. I had to face the ugliness of not just my childhood but of the person I had become. Over the years I used coping and survival skills that were not healthy or representative of the person I actually wanted to be. I used alcohol, sex, manipulation, guilt, money and food to attempt to fill the hole in my heart. I would do anything and everything to gain attention and affection. I would hurt the people closest to me when I suspected they might be on the verge of seeing my ugliness and leaving. I put on a mask.
I wore that mask for so long that I actually began to believe it was who I was. I believed I was a manipulative unlovable person. Then I got to know someone that would change not only my life, but me from the inside out. I gave my heart, in all it's shattered pieces, to God. I asked for forgiveness, redemption and love. God gave those things to me immediately and completely, it just took me some time to actually accept and receive them. I questioned His faithfulness and sincerity. But finally I felt peace. I felt relief. I felt love and I felt whole. My life verse is Romans 8:31 "If God is for us; who can be against us?" For the first time in my life, at 27 years old I fully and completely trusted that not only was I loveable but God created me in His image; His image!!! I was no longer the broken child of my past.
Once I got to know the person that God created me to be I began on letting go of the demons of my past. I am still in therapy today, I still struggle with anxiety and depression. I have reclaimed most of my life and repaired several important relationships. The one relationship I don't feel capable to reclaim is the one with Doni.
Two years ago I had to set boundaries with Doni because her frequent outbursts and dramatic fights were upsetting and triggering the post traumatic stress responses from my childhood. It wasn't healthy for me to be so overwhelmed and overstimulated while going through therapy and learning how to be a new wife and mother. I asked her for simple boundaries: please don't bring up the past and please don't involve yourself in my other relationship (the ones I hold with my father, sister, grandmother etc) Sadly, she not only refused but had another dramatic meltdown. I remained hopeful that she would calm down and we could someday move forward. I stayed quiet about my "side" of the story. I didn't want to add fuel to the fire and well no one knew about my childhood so how would they understand me now? We didn't speak for two years. I reached out. I sent pictures of Grace, I sent texts, I added her on Facebook. I was trying. I didn't get a single reply.
The final straw was a week before Easter. Doni unexpectedly moved back to Oregon. I was upset at first, mostly because I am pregnant and I really am not in a position for extra stress. But I knew how hard it was on my family that we were not speaking so I reached out again. I offered to go to coffee or counseling, what ever she wanted. She refused me again. It was at that moment that I accepted the fact that my mother does not want to fix things with me. She does not want a relationship with me or my children. It confirmed all my feelings and instincts as a child that she cannot love me enough to give up her resentment and anger.
I'm sorry that my family is hurt by all of this. I hate that my grandmother and sister are in the middle. But I am also sorry that no one knows how this is hurting me. My childhood was much more difficult than I ever let on, I still have deep secrets and scars. I desperately desire a relationship with my mother. My heart is broken that it is likely I will never have one.
If you've read this far, I have one request. Please keep me and Doni in your prayers. My wounds are still hurting but they are also healing. I am not going to be silent anymore. My name is no longer regret and it's no longer defeat.
My name is Cassey, I am wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and a child of God.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
What Makes a Mother
2 years, 7 months, and 22 days that I have been a mother. It seems both a lifetime and a quick breath. I have had the privledge of the last two years being the most intense learning experience of my life. So now as we are excitedly expecting our second baby (yay yay yay!!!!) I have begun to reflect what makes a mother.
Becoming a mother was a crash course for me; I'm sure it can be for most women, but I really felt like I was starting with a fractured perspective of what my child would need or expect from me. Here is a snapshot of the "mothers" that have influenced my life.
My own mother. As long as I can remember we were never close. When I was a child there were circumstances in our life that did not allow for a traditional mother-daughter relationship. I was her firstborn and I truly believe that I was wanted and loved. Unfortunately between her and my father our family was riddled with drug abuse, mental illness, dysfunction, and fighting. I know they both loved me and my sister, they were just not in the place or equipped to raise children. This left me with a confusion about what unconditional love was, and a blurred line between supporting family and co-dependency. Due to all the insecurity and instability I grew up extremely confused about what was expected in the mother-daughter relationship. However, I have also learned through my own experience as a mother that we all do the best we can with the tools we have. I am grateful to my mother for the gift of life and that ultimately my mother gave me what I needed in the end, she let me go.
At the age of 4 I started the gradual process of moving in with my grandparents. By 8 years old I was living with them full time.
My grandmother. A majority of my childhood and on into adulthood my grandmother, Judi, has been my primary maternal influence. There was always a clear understanding that she was my grandmother, but over the years and through experience it was impossible to not grow closer and bond as though I am her daughter. She taught me so many things; things about life, love, family, spirituality, values and myself. We bickered and fought - after all she had taken on the full time job of raising me. We struggled at times and we definitely had our times where we could not see eye to eye. In our brightest of days and our darkest hours though she showed me that she would never leave, she would always love me. Even if we don't agree - she would always find a way to support me. We struggled with co-dependency but as I became an adult and matured we were able to redefine our relationship. She is no longer in the position to raise me, but to guide me. We have both put years of work into our relationship and it truly shows. Through my relationship with her I have learned that life takes work, relationships take compassion and love takes patience and passion. Today, and everyday, I am still learning from her and will be forever grateful for the role she plays in my life.
At 11 years old my dad married a woman named Michelle. I didn't want to like her at first but then she taught me how to bake. How can you not fall in love with someone who makes homemade cinnamon rolls?!?!?
My step-mother. When my dad and Michelle married the first time she made it known to me that she was not just my dad's wife - she was my friend. Over the last 16 years her and my dad struggled, divorced, had a child, were apart 6 years, came back together, remarried and are now the happiest and healthiest I have ever seen either one of them. Also over the last 16 years, regardless of her relationship with my dad, Michelle has continued to invest in our relationship. She never let me even think that what was going on with them had anything to do with me and it would not affect the relationship that she and I had. She has always loved me because I am Cassey, not because I am Ron's daughter. She moved away with my brother a few months after he was born. She wrote letters, sent pictures, called and would buy me train tickets anytime I wanted to visit. Because of her efforts and understanding that I was busy/flaky/immature teenager there has not been a gap in the relationship I have with my younger brother - no matter what else was going on in our lives. I will forever be grateful for her patience, flexibility and dedication to our relationship. She herself has had personal struggles over the years. She has disappointed me and let me down. But she has always been honest and forthcoming with me. In working through the hard times, she taught me that mothers will make mistakes, but just like it is my job to take accountability for my actions, a mother should lead by example. She has shown that she respects me, she is invested in me and it's all because I am me. Today, I know how to choose love.
While geo-caching with my friend Paul he decided that we should go to his parents house because his mom had just gotten something funny that he wanted to show me. So at 10 o'clock at night, in her bathrobe I met my mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law. I joke that I married Paul for his mom. Well it's partially true. Susie and I became fast friends. The more I got to know her and witness the relationship she had with Paul I became confident that she was the type of mother I wanted to be. I absolutely love hearing stories from her about raising her children. I can hear in words how she made them her priority, she was intentional in knowing them individually and meeting them on their level. But if you watch her talk about her children you can see in her face how much love, pride, gratitude and excitement she has for them. She will be the first to tell you she made mistakes or had 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.' But she will also be the first to tell you, that you get up and do what needs to be done. I've felt like she extended the same love, support and excitement to me early on. I hope someday to be as excited for my children when they fall in love, I hope to extend the same offer of relationship with their future spouses. Today, she is one of the first people I call with good news or bad. We go shopping, watch our shows, chat and spend time together the way I imagine an adult mother-daughter relationship would do. I am grateful for her friendship, her guidance and her love and support. I consider her to be one of my best friends.
So again for 2 years, 7 months, and 22 days I have been a mother.
Myself. When Grace was born I froze. I was suffering from postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I did a really good job at going through the motions of taking care of a baby. Gracie's needs were my top priority - almost to a fault. I knew how to take care of her, but I wasn't sure how to be her mother. I struggled with connecting and bonding with her, I was 25 years old and terrified of a baby. Through counseling, prayer, talking, crying and lots of writing that I realized that I did know how to be a mother. It was taking all my influences and experiences, good and bad, and trusting what I had learned. To be a mother I needed to trust myself. Upon reflecting on the maternal influences from my life I finally knew what I needed to do. So when Grace was 9 months old I went in her room. I promised her that I would be good to her, but that I would make mistakes. I told her we would make the best memories, and have fights. I committed to her that we would always work through our issues and that no matter how we disagreed it would never affect how much I loved or supported her. I explained that our relationship would grow and change throughout our life together, but that we would do it together. I told her to expect that there would be things in her life she can't understand, challenges would be plentiful but so would blessings. I promised her I will be there.
Today, I have kept my promise. She is two and half years old and regularly we are working through things. I'm learning to set boundaries and she is really good at testing them! But we have fun, she is happy, trusting, loving, secure and an absolute joy and delight.
I've finally learned that it is simply our children that makes a mother, it's up to me to be a good one.
Becoming a mother was a crash course for me; I'm sure it can be for most women, but I really felt like I was starting with a fractured perspective of what my child would need or expect from me. Here is a snapshot of the "mothers" that have influenced my life.
My own mother. As long as I can remember we were never close. When I was a child there were circumstances in our life that did not allow for a traditional mother-daughter relationship. I was her firstborn and I truly believe that I was wanted and loved. Unfortunately between her and my father our family was riddled with drug abuse, mental illness, dysfunction, and fighting. I know they both loved me and my sister, they were just not in the place or equipped to raise children. This left me with a confusion about what unconditional love was, and a blurred line between supporting family and co-dependency. Due to all the insecurity and instability I grew up extremely confused about what was expected in the mother-daughter relationship. However, I have also learned through my own experience as a mother that we all do the best we can with the tools we have. I am grateful to my mother for the gift of life and that ultimately my mother gave me what I needed in the end, she let me go.
At the age of 4 I started the gradual process of moving in with my grandparents. By 8 years old I was living with them full time.
My grandmother. A majority of my childhood and on into adulthood my grandmother, Judi, has been my primary maternal influence. There was always a clear understanding that she was my grandmother, but over the years and through experience it was impossible to not grow closer and bond as though I am her daughter. She taught me so many things; things about life, love, family, spirituality, values and myself. We bickered and fought - after all she had taken on the full time job of raising me. We struggled at times and we definitely had our times where we could not see eye to eye. In our brightest of days and our darkest hours though she showed me that she would never leave, she would always love me. Even if we don't agree - she would always find a way to support me. We struggled with co-dependency but as I became an adult and matured we were able to redefine our relationship. She is no longer in the position to raise me, but to guide me. We have both put years of work into our relationship and it truly shows. Through my relationship with her I have learned that life takes work, relationships take compassion and love takes patience and passion. Today, and everyday, I am still learning from her and will be forever grateful for the role she plays in my life.
At 11 years old my dad married a woman named Michelle. I didn't want to like her at first but then she taught me how to bake. How can you not fall in love with someone who makes homemade cinnamon rolls?!?!?
My step-mother. When my dad and Michelle married the first time she made it known to me that she was not just my dad's wife - she was my friend. Over the last 16 years her and my dad struggled, divorced, had a child, were apart 6 years, came back together, remarried and are now the happiest and healthiest I have ever seen either one of them. Also over the last 16 years, regardless of her relationship with my dad, Michelle has continued to invest in our relationship. She never let me even think that what was going on with them had anything to do with me and it would not affect the relationship that she and I had. She has always loved me because I am Cassey, not because I am Ron's daughter. She moved away with my brother a few months after he was born. She wrote letters, sent pictures, called and would buy me train tickets anytime I wanted to visit. Because of her efforts and understanding that I was busy/flaky/immature teenager there has not been a gap in the relationship I have with my younger brother - no matter what else was going on in our lives. I will forever be grateful for her patience, flexibility and dedication to our relationship. She herself has had personal struggles over the years. She has disappointed me and let me down. But she has always been honest and forthcoming with me. In working through the hard times, she taught me that mothers will make mistakes, but just like it is my job to take accountability for my actions, a mother should lead by example. She has shown that she respects me, she is invested in me and it's all because I am me. Today, I know how to choose love.
While geo-caching with my friend Paul he decided that we should go to his parents house because his mom had just gotten something funny that he wanted to show me. So at 10 o'clock at night, in her bathrobe I met my mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law. I joke that I married Paul for his mom. Well it's partially true. Susie and I became fast friends. The more I got to know her and witness the relationship she had with Paul I became confident that she was the type of mother I wanted to be. I absolutely love hearing stories from her about raising her children. I can hear in words how she made them her priority, she was intentional in knowing them individually and meeting them on their level. But if you watch her talk about her children you can see in her face how much love, pride, gratitude and excitement she has for them. She will be the first to tell you she made mistakes or had 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.' But she will also be the first to tell you, that you get up and do what needs to be done. I've felt like she extended the same love, support and excitement to me early on. I hope someday to be as excited for my children when they fall in love, I hope to extend the same offer of relationship with their future spouses. Today, she is one of the first people I call with good news or bad. We go shopping, watch our shows, chat and spend time together the way I imagine an adult mother-daughter relationship would do. I am grateful for her friendship, her guidance and her love and support. I consider her to be one of my best friends.
So again for 2 years, 7 months, and 22 days I have been a mother.
Myself. When Grace was born I froze. I was suffering from postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I did a really good job at going through the motions of taking care of a baby. Gracie's needs were my top priority - almost to a fault. I knew how to take care of her, but I wasn't sure how to be her mother. I struggled with connecting and bonding with her, I was 25 years old and terrified of a baby. Through counseling, prayer, talking, crying and lots of writing that I realized that I did know how to be a mother. It was taking all my influences and experiences, good and bad, and trusting what I had learned. To be a mother I needed to trust myself. Upon reflecting on the maternal influences from my life I finally knew what I needed to do. So when Grace was 9 months old I went in her room. I promised her that I would be good to her, but that I would make mistakes. I told her we would make the best memories, and have fights. I committed to her that we would always work through our issues and that no matter how we disagreed it would never affect how much I loved or supported her. I explained that our relationship would grow and change throughout our life together, but that we would do it together. I told her to expect that there would be things in her life she can't understand, challenges would be plentiful but so would blessings. I promised her I will be there.
Today, I have kept my promise. She is two and half years old and regularly we are working through things. I'm learning to set boundaries and she is really good at testing them! But we have fun, she is happy, trusting, loving, secure and an absolute joy and delight.
I've finally learned that it is simply our children that makes a mother, it's up to me to be a good one.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
That I Would Be Good
Here's a throwback that caught me off guard this morning. It's a never ending struggle of trying to be "good" or "fine" and not only do these lyrics describe my own fears and feelings to a tee but the familiarity of Alanis' voice from my adolescent years takes me to a surprisingly comforting place.
Here's the YouTube link and the lyrics for you. As for me - I've started up my Pandora station that contains the music that speaks to my soul and I think I will bake something.
Happy Saturday :)
Here's the YouTube link and the lyrics for you. As for me - I've started up my Pandora station that contains the music that speaks to my soul and I think I will bake something.
Happy Saturday :)
"That I Would Be Good"
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you
Saturday, January 5, 2013
I'm Not Who I Was.
Here is my disclaimer. This post has been brewing for a long time, culminating over the last 5 years and finally driving me crazy for the last year. It is not intended to offend or hurt anyone, nor is it about any one person or even a small handful of people. It is about the changes I have experienced, the relationships that have affected me and my own decision and desire to define my identity. This is my personal testimony.
Five years ago I was 21 years old, fun, easy going, caring, outgoing and family oriented. I had a great boyfriend, amazing friends and a wonderful family. I believed in God, I was learning to be independent and I just wanted everyone around me to be happy.
I also had a dark side. I was depressed, lonely, insecure, angry, manipulative and working so hard to maintain the charade that my life was everything it appeared to be. Partying, drinking, disrespecting my parents, abusing money, losing trust, lying, and drama seemed to rule my life. I would lay awake at night anxious that I would be exposed. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.
So what happened?
I found love? I found God? I grew up? I hit rock bottom? Yes to all of those.
Paul and I had been together a year and things were really starting to get serious. As we moved along in our relationship and got engaged the future became so much more immediate. We started attending church more regularly and I felt the Holy Spirit coming alive in me. I had always believed in God but had never trusted Him and definitely not lived a lifestyle that honored Him. So I started making a change. I stopped partying, drinking and really started learning about relationships and boundaries. Paul and I have spent a lot of time learning how to communicate, set expectations, and genuinely respect each other and work together to build our life.The wife I am today is not the same girlfriend I once was; I'm not who I was.
Then came Grace. She rocked my world. I was in awe of my love for her and at the same time I was traumatized by her arrival. Without getting into the past too much, I had a rough relationship with my mother and father growing up. My father was a drug addict and my mother was addicted to my father. They both were doing the best they could with the tools they had, but ultimately the results of their actions and the environments around me did considerable damage. I suffer from depression and with the birth of my daughter, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My postpartum depression has been the lowest point of my life.
For the last 2 1/2 years I have been working extremely hard to understand my role and power as a wife and mother. I have been learning what I can define in our relationship and what I simply cannot control. This understanding and boundary setting has been useful in other relationships in my life. I work really hard to constantly grow myself but also recognize that sometimes for my own health I need to step back. I used to be extremely co-dependent and insecure; I'm not who I was.
"For the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10) My pregnancy with Grace was unplanned and a complete surprise. At the time I was working a full time job and contributed about 50% of the household income. While my childhood dream was to be a stay at home mom, it just didn't seem realistic. Then I had some complications, was put on bedrest and lost my job. I am still working through some feelings of anger and bitterness and I am making great progress but ultimately it was a really stressful time for us. I am still working to unpack all my feelings. Between my job and all my medical problems I still can't bring myself to write Grace's birth story. But back to money. Ultimately getting fired was one of the biggest blessings. After I worked so hard to get our baby here healthy and in one piece there was no way I would have been able to leave her for work. So we were forced to figure out our money situation. It was hard work, it still is. Our lifestyle radically changed. We don't go out, we don't buy stuff, we don't spend. We scrimp, save and cut costs all over. We hang out at home or our parent's houses. (They even fed us several times a week!) We were good with our decision and proud of our improvements. It really helped that both my in-laws and my parents were really supportive and encouraging. So thanks for that. :) I used to have debt, pay my bills late, and overdraw my account regularly; I'm not who I was.
So now here I am 5 years later; a wife, a mother, a friend and a woman of God. I work hard to be honest and fair. I care about people. I allow myself to be vulnerable and trust people. I like to cook, watch movies, walk around downtown and hang out with my family. I haven't really changed and yet I am a completely different person.
So please show me compassion and patience as I continue to find my way. There are some things that have changed that may be hard for others in my life to get used to. I don't drink, not really. I enjoy of glass of wine over dinner with friends, but I really don't want to hang out at a bar. I don't spend money. I don't want to go to casinos, expensive restaurants, or extravagant vacations. But I would love to cook you a fantastic meal at my house and play a game or watch a movie. I don't gossip. This is a really big part of who I used to be. By talking about other people I was deflecting from myself; classic. But I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable when people start talking badly about others. I will likely smile and nod or agree just because I feel completely awkward. I also don't want to be around people who gossip, no offense but if you are talking that way to me then what do you say about me when you are with the other person. Especially lately this is the one that has hurt the most.
It's okay if you think I am a boring, bible thumping, cheap friend. I won't be mad at you. I am sad at all the relationships that have changed and become distanced, but I have accepted that boundaries are important to me. If we aren't in the same place right now, or we don't see eye to eye on these things; it's okay. There is no love lost. I just won't apologize anymore for not coming around, not going out, or putting Paul and Grace first.
I have a long way to go, and I am proud of where I have come from. My future is exciting and I am just so grateful that I am not who I was.
Five years ago I was 21 years old, fun, easy going, caring, outgoing and family oriented. I had a great boyfriend, amazing friends and a wonderful family. I believed in God, I was learning to be independent and I just wanted everyone around me to be happy.
I also had a dark side. I was depressed, lonely, insecure, angry, manipulative and working so hard to maintain the charade that my life was everything it appeared to be. Partying, drinking, disrespecting my parents, abusing money, losing trust, lying, and drama seemed to rule my life. I would lay awake at night anxious that I would be exposed. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.
So what happened?
I found love? I found God? I grew up? I hit rock bottom? Yes to all of those.
Paul and I had been together a year and things were really starting to get serious. As we moved along in our relationship and got engaged the future became so much more immediate. We started attending church more regularly and I felt the Holy Spirit coming alive in me. I had always believed in God but had never trusted Him and definitely not lived a lifestyle that honored Him. So I started making a change. I stopped partying, drinking and really started learning about relationships and boundaries. Paul and I have spent a lot of time learning how to communicate, set expectations, and genuinely respect each other and work together to build our life.The wife I am today is not the same girlfriend I once was; I'm not who I was.
Then came Grace. She rocked my world. I was in awe of my love for her and at the same time I was traumatized by her arrival. Without getting into the past too much, I had a rough relationship with my mother and father growing up. My father was a drug addict and my mother was addicted to my father. They both were doing the best they could with the tools they had, but ultimately the results of their actions and the environments around me did considerable damage. I suffer from depression and with the birth of my daughter, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My postpartum depression has been the lowest point of my life.
For the last 2 1/2 years I have been working extremely hard to understand my role and power as a wife and mother. I have been learning what I can define in our relationship and what I simply cannot control. This understanding and boundary setting has been useful in other relationships in my life. I work really hard to constantly grow myself but also recognize that sometimes for my own health I need to step back. I used to be extremely co-dependent and insecure; I'm not who I was.
"For the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10) My pregnancy with Grace was unplanned and a complete surprise. At the time I was working a full time job and contributed about 50% of the household income. While my childhood dream was to be a stay at home mom, it just didn't seem realistic. Then I had some complications, was put on bedrest and lost my job. I am still working through some feelings of anger and bitterness and I am making great progress but ultimately it was a really stressful time for us. I am still working to unpack all my feelings. Between my job and all my medical problems I still can't bring myself to write Grace's birth story. But back to money. Ultimately getting fired was one of the biggest blessings. After I worked so hard to get our baby here healthy and in one piece there was no way I would have been able to leave her for work. So we were forced to figure out our money situation. It was hard work, it still is. Our lifestyle radically changed. We don't go out, we don't buy stuff, we don't spend. We scrimp, save and cut costs all over. We hang out at home or our parent's houses. (They even fed us several times a week!) We were good with our decision and proud of our improvements. It really helped that both my in-laws and my parents were really supportive and encouraging. So thanks for that. :) I used to have debt, pay my bills late, and overdraw my account regularly; I'm not who I was.
So now here I am 5 years later; a wife, a mother, a friend and a woman of God. I work hard to be honest and fair. I care about people. I allow myself to be vulnerable and trust people. I like to cook, watch movies, walk around downtown and hang out with my family. I haven't really changed and yet I am a completely different person.
So please show me compassion and patience as I continue to find my way. There are some things that have changed that may be hard for others in my life to get used to. I don't drink, not really. I enjoy of glass of wine over dinner with friends, but I really don't want to hang out at a bar. I don't spend money. I don't want to go to casinos, expensive restaurants, or extravagant vacations. But I would love to cook you a fantastic meal at my house and play a game or watch a movie. I don't gossip. This is a really big part of who I used to be. By talking about other people I was deflecting from myself; classic. But I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable when people start talking badly about others. I will likely smile and nod or agree just because I feel completely awkward. I also don't want to be around people who gossip, no offense but if you are talking that way to me then what do you say about me when you are with the other person. Especially lately this is the one that has hurt the most.
It's okay if you think I am a boring, bible thumping, cheap friend. I won't be mad at you. I am sad at all the relationships that have changed and become distanced, but I have accepted that boundaries are important to me. If we aren't in the same place right now, or we don't see eye to eye on these things; it's okay. There is no love lost. I just won't apologize anymore for not coming around, not going out, or putting Paul and Grace first.
I have a long way to go, and I am proud of where I have come from. My future is exciting and I am just so grateful that I am not who I was.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
There's No Place Like Home
I cancelled all my plans this afternoon and evening when I realized Grace hasn't been home before her bedtime in over a week (half that time Paul & I were out of town.) She was cranky and clingy all day so I figured she needed some time at home with mommy.
So we picked up a pizza and some hot wings and settled in just the two of us. Paul is working a lot of hours lately so while he couldn't be here, he made sure to call and have a goodnight conversation with Grace.
I had to cut her off after four hot wings in fear of an upset stomach.
She was so happy to be home with her kitties, following our normal routine and even tucked herself into bed an hour early. I might regret that tomorrow morning!
It was a good reminder that while my daughter is very social and blessed to spend so much time with family and friends; there really is no place like home.
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Grace's Birth Story - Part 1
Dear Gracie,
You single handedly changed my life forever. I had no idea that the journey you and I would start together would affect and impact every single area of my life and introduce me to things I had never known. I am grateful for the experience and joy that comes with being your Mommy. I thank God everyday that He chose me and your Daddy to receive you.
But let's start at the beginning.
When Daddy and I were married we knew we wanted children, there was never a question in our mind. However, our plan was that we would wait three to four years before we would start that journey. It made sense in our minds, we were just married, had bought a house that needed work, we were both in school and nothing in ourselves or our marriage was ready for a child. So it was logical and responsible to wait before having kids.
They say though that "when we plan, God laughs."
In December of 2009, I began to sense that you were becoming a part of our lives. I couldn't put my finger on it and I didn't understand it, but I began to believe I was pregnant. In my mind this was crazy, I was on birth control; I had been told because of medical issues that it would be difficult for me to have children. But my heart told me you were there. I kept these feelings to myself for awhile. I was scared, I was worried, and in a strange way I was hopeful.
On the morning of December 31st, New Years Eve, I woke up early after having a vivd dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. I had to know. In my car I had a pregnancy test, so around 4:30 am I walked out and got it. I nervously and quietly snuck to the bathroom to find out.
Seeing the positive test carried so many emotions and feelings. I burst into tears. I wasn't ready for this. We weren't ready for this. What was Paul going to say? Was he going to be angry? I had to tell him, so I went in and woke him up with the words, "I'm pregnant." Now any husband is going to be surprised, and to be awoken that way was probably not the best of ways to go about it. But, being the man that he is, your Daddy hugged me and just started assuring me that everything was going to be fine. That this was great news! I loved him a little more that morning.
The day was a bit of a blur. I was trying to make a doctor appointment since I had no idea how far along I was, or what the next step was. We got in that day and had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week.
The ultrasound was incredible. I was just under 8 weeks along and while the picture showed what appeared to be a jellybean, the heartbeat that we heard was strong. It moved both of us and we knew you were real. We started planning when we were going to tell everyone and we started to say it out loud ourselves. We were having a baby!
You single handedly changed my life forever. I had no idea that the journey you and I would start together would affect and impact every single area of my life and introduce me to things I had never known. I am grateful for the experience and joy that comes with being your Mommy. I thank God everyday that He chose me and your Daddy to receive you.
But let's start at the beginning.
When Daddy and I were married we knew we wanted children, there was never a question in our mind. However, our plan was that we would wait three to four years before we would start that journey. It made sense in our minds, we were just married, had bought a house that needed work, we were both in school and nothing in ourselves or our marriage was ready for a child. So it was logical and responsible to wait before having kids.
They say though that "when we plan, God laughs."
In December of 2009, I began to sense that you were becoming a part of our lives. I couldn't put my finger on it and I didn't understand it, but I began to believe I was pregnant. In my mind this was crazy, I was on birth control; I had been told because of medical issues that it would be difficult for me to have children. But my heart told me you were there. I kept these feelings to myself for awhile. I was scared, I was worried, and in a strange way I was hopeful.
On the morning of December 31st, New Years Eve, I woke up early after having a vivd dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. I had to know. In my car I had a pregnancy test, so around 4:30 am I walked out and got it. I nervously and quietly snuck to the bathroom to find out.
Seeing the positive test carried so many emotions and feelings. I burst into tears. I wasn't ready for this. We weren't ready for this. What was Paul going to say? Was he going to be angry? I had to tell him, so I went in and woke him up with the words, "I'm pregnant." Now any husband is going to be surprised, and to be awoken that way was probably not the best of ways to go about it. But, being the man that he is, your Daddy hugged me and just started assuring me that everything was going to be fine. That this was great news! I loved him a little more that morning.
The day was a bit of a blur. I was trying to make a doctor appointment since I had no idea how far along I was, or what the next step was. We got in that day and had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week.
The ultrasound was incredible. I was just under 8 weeks along and while the picture showed what appeared to be a jellybean, the heartbeat that we heard was strong. It moved both of us and we knew you were real. We started planning when we were going to tell everyone and we started to say it out loud ourselves. We were having a baby!
First ultrasound - January 6th 2010
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