That I Would Be Good

Here's a throwback that caught me off guard this morning. It's a never ending struggle of trying to be "good" or "fine" and not only do these lyrics describe my own fears and feelings to a tee but the familiarity of Alanis' voice from my adolescent years takes me to a surprisingly comforting place. 

Here's the YouTube link and the lyrics for you. As for me - I've started up my Pandora station that contains the music that speaks to my soul and I think I will bake something. 

Happy Saturday :)

"That I Would Be Good"
that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing
that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy
that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

I'm Not Who I Was.

Here is my disclaimer. This post has been brewing for a long time, culminating over the last 5 years and finally driving me crazy for the last year. It is not intended to offend or hurt anyone, nor is it about any one person or even a small handful of people. It is about the changes I have experienced, the relationships that have affected me and my own decision and desire to define my identity. This is my personal testimony.

Five years ago I was 21 years old, fun, easy going, caring, outgoing and family oriented. I had a great boyfriend, amazing friends and a wonderful family. I believed in God, I was learning to be independent and I just wanted everyone around me to be happy.

I also had a dark side. I was depressed, lonely, insecure, angry, manipulative and working so hard to maintain the charade that my life was everything it appeared to be. Partying, drinking, disrespecting my parents, abusing money, losing trust, lying, and drama seemed to rule my life. I would lay awake at night anxious that I would be exposed. I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.

So what happened?

I found love? I found God? I grew up? I hit rock bottom? Yes to all of those.

Paul and I had been together a year and things were really starting to get serious. As we moved along in our relationship and got engaged the future became so much more immediate. We started attending church more regularly and I felt the Holy Spirit coming alive in me. I had always believed in God but had never trusted Him and definitely not lived a lifestyle that honored Him. So I started making a change. I stopped partying, drinking and really started learning about relationships and boundaries. Paul and I have spent a lot of time learning how to communicate, set expectations, and genuinely respect each other and work together to build our life.The wife I am today is not the same girlfriend I once was; I'm not who I was.

Then came Grace. She rocked my world. I was in awe of my love for her and at the same time I was traumatized by her arrival. Without getting into the past too much, I had a rough relationship with my mother and father growing up. My father was a drug addict and my mother was addicted to my father. They both were doing the best they could with the tools they had, but ultimately the results of their actions and the environments around me did considerable damage. I suffer from depression and with the birth of my daughter, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My postpartum depression has been the lowest point of my life. 

For the last 2 1/2 years I have been working extremely hard to understand my role and power as a wife and mother. I have been learning what I can define in our relationship and what I simply cannot control. This understanding and boundary setting has been useful in other relationships in my life. I work really hard to constantly grow myself but also recognize that sometimes for my own health I need to step back. I used to be extremely co-dependent and insecure; I'm not who I was.

"For the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10) My pregnancy with Grace was unplanned and a complete surprise. At the time I was working a full time job and contributed about 50% of the household income. While my childhood dream was to be a stay at home mom, it just didn't seem realistic. Then I had some complications, was put on bedrest and lost my job. I am still working through some feelings of anger and bitterness and I am making great progress but ultimately it was a really stressful time for us. I am still working to unpack all my feelings. Between my job and all my medical problems I still can't bring myself to write Grace's birth story. But back to money. Ultimately getting fired was one of the biggest blessings. After I worked so hard to get our baby here healthy and in one piece there was no way I would have been able to leave her for work. So we were forced to figure out our money situation. It was hard work, it still is. Our lifestyle radically changed. We don't go out, we don't buy stuff, we don't spend. We scrimp, save and cut costs all over. We hang out at home or our parent's houses. (They even fed us several times a week!) We were good with our decision and proud of our improvements. It really helped that both my in-laws and my parents were really supportive and encouraging. So thanks for that. :) I used to have debt, pay my bills late, and overdraw my account regularly; I'm not who I was.

So now here I am 5 years later; a wife, a mother, a friend and a woman of God. I work hard to be honest and fair. I care about people. I allow myself to be vulnerable and trust people. I like to cook, watch movies, walk around downtown and hang out with my family. I haven't really changed and yet I am a completely different person.

So please show me compassion and patience as I continue to find my way. There are some things that have changed that may be hard for others in my life to get used to. I don't drink, not really. I enjoy of glass of wine over dinner with friends, but I really don't want to hang out at a bar. I don't spend money. I don't want to go to casinos, expensive restaurants, or extravagant vacations. But I would love to cook you a fantastic meal at my house and play a game or watch a movie. I don't gossip. This is a really big part of who I used to be. By talking about other people I was deflecting from myself; classic. But I don't want to do it anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable when people start talking badly about others. I will likely smile and nod or agree just because I feel completely awkward. I also don't want to be around people who gossip, no offense but if you are talking that way to me then what do you say about me when you are with the other person. Especially lately this is the one that has hurt the most.

It's okay if you think I am a boring, bible thumping, cheap friend. I won't be mad at you. I am sad at all the relationships that have changed and become distanced, but I have accepted that boundaries are important to me. If we aren't in the same place right now, or we don't see eye to eye on these things; it's okay. There is no love lost. I just won't apologize anymore for not coming around, not going out, or putting Paul and Grace first.

I have a long way to go, and I am proud of where I have come from. My future is exciting and I am just so grateful that I am not who I was.

There's No Place Like Home

I cancelled all my plans this afternoon and evening when I realized Grace hasn't been home before her bedtime in over a week (half that time Paul & I were out of town.) She was cranky and clingy all day so I figured she needed some time at home with mommy. 

So we picked up a pizza and some hot wings and settled in just the two of us. Paul is working a lot of hours lately so while he couldn't be here, he made sure to call and have a goodnight conversation with Grace.

 I had to cut her off after four hot wings in fear of an upset stomach.

She was so happy to be home with her kitties, following our normal routine and even tucked herself into bed an hour early. I might regret that tomorrow morning!

It was a good reminder that while my daughter is very social and blessed to spend so much time with family and friends; there really is no place like home.

Grace's Birth Story - Part 1

Dear Gracie, 

You single handedly changed my life forever. I had no idea that the journey you and I would start together would affect and impact every single area of my life and introduce me to things I had never known. I am grateful for the experience and joy that comes with being your Mommy. I thank God everyday that He chose me and your Daddy to receive you. 

But let's start at the beginning. 

When Daddy and I were married we knew we wanted children, there was never a question in our mind. However, our plan was that we would wait three to four years before we would start that journey. It made sense in our minds, we were just married, had bought a house that needed work, we were both in school and nothing in ourselves or our marriage was ready for a child. So it was logical and responsible to wait before having kids. 

They say though that "when we plan, God laughs." 

In December of 2009, I began to sense that you were becoming a part of our lives. I couldn't put my finger on it and I didn't understand it, but I began to believe I was pregnant. In my mind this was crazy, I was on birth control; I had been told because of medical issues that it would be difficult for me to have children. But my heart told me you were there. I kept these feelings to myself for awhile. I was scared, I was worried, and in a strange way I was hopeful. 

On the morning of December 31st, New Years Eve, I woke up early after having a vivd dream that I was pregnant with a little girl. I had to know. In my car I had a pregnancy test, so around 4:30 am I walked out and got it. I nervously and quietly snuck to the bathroom to find out. 

Seeing the positive test carried so many emotions and feelings. I burst into tears. I wasn't ready for this. We weren't ready for this. What was Paul going to say? Was he going to be angry? I had to tell him, so I went in and woke him up with the words, "I'm pregnant." Now any husband is going to be surprised, and to be awoken that way was probably not the best of ways to go about it. But, being the man that he is, your Daddy hugged me and just started assuring me that everything was going to be fine. That this was great news! I loved him a little more that morning.

The day was a bit of a blur. I was trying to make a doctor appointment since I had no idea how far along I was, or what the next step was. We got in that day and had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week. 

The ultrasound was incredible. I was just under 8 weeks along and while the picture showed what appeared to be a jellybean, the heartbeat that we heard was strong. It moved both of us and we knew you were real. We started planning when we were going to tell everyone and we started to say it out loud ourselves. We were having a baby!

First ultrasound - January 6th 2010

The Pursuit

pur·suit/pərˈso͞ot/

Noun:

The action of following or pursuing someone or something

For 6 days I had the opportunity to join some of our middle school and high school youth at camp. While the idea of leaving Paul and Grace for such a long period of time was scary and uncomfortable, I had given it much thought and prayer and felt led to go.

The theme of the week was "Pursuit." While the we all worked our way through the book of Ephesians we explored not only how God is constantly pursuing us, but what His expectation is of us to pursue others by sharing the Gospel. A strong emphasis was placed on defining "Sunday Christians" and leading a 'double life.' The youth were challenged to examine their faith and evaluate both the relationships that they have with Christ and how those relationships are shared with the world that surrounds them.

The question was asked 'Are you going to church to buy something or give something?' I had to really think. Do I show up on Sunday ready to play the part or ready to be played, used, and challenged? What areas in my life could I improve in my efforts to share the Gospel and lead the kind of Christian life that Paul describes in Ephesians?

It was a great week for me to study, pray and meditate on what comes next for me. But it was also an opportunity to engage and share with our youth; they were so open and vulnerable about the world that they are facing. The opportunities they have for growth, and the challenges they accept for His glory. It was inspirational and humbling to be a witness to the Holy Spirit alive in every single one of them.

Now, it was camp so of course it wasn't all serious and 'preachy.' :) There was awesome, loud, worship, crazy messy games, random funny mealtime fellowship, a river float, hiking up treacherous hilltop, too much 'Call me maybe', Ga-Ga Ball, a birthday party, jam sesh in the field and lots of other fun ways to pass the time.

It was a long 6 days away from my family, and it was a sweet reunion. But it was a good reminder that in God's pursuit of me, sometimes it may call me away from the distractions and business of everyday life.

Photo courtesy of Samuel A.

Perspective

Perspective is something that I have come to appreciate as I have become older and more mature. It's a way that I can relate the situations and circumstances that define my life and be able to maintain a sense of understanding and peace. I've always been a 'glass half full' person and I give most of the credit to having a strong sense of perspective; "there's always something worse that could happen."

It was Water Wednesday today at the local park and with the temperature above 70 by 10 am I had decided to load up Grace and my niece Justin and head over for some fun and water play. Justin is 9 and rode her bike, and I got in a good workout pushing Grace in our jogging stroller. The walk is only about 15 minutes but we were ready to cool off when we got there! We played with friends, ate a picnic lunch and played some more. Once it became clear that it was nap time we headed home.

Along the way, as I maneuvered the stroller over railroad tracks my iphone must have hopped out of the cup holder. I didn't notice until a block later. Unfortunately, in this area my phone was a goner the second it was out of my sight. I was pretty bummed, there are a lot of great pictures and videos from the last week of Grace and Justin and I hadn't had a chance to back them up yet. I was also ticked off that someone instantly picked it up, disabled the GPS, and turned it off. Thanks to Apple however, Paul was able to remotely wipe the phone clean so all my personal information is gone. But now I need a new phone, the stuff was lost, I had to face reality that there are bad people with no integrity etc etc etc.

But again, I'm a glass half full kind of girl. And today, of all days, I am glad that it was my iphone that was stolen.

An hour earlier while at the park Grace was running around like a mad woman. My monster was all over the place! She darted from activity to activity like a kid in a candy shop. So at one point I was sitting with Jessica when all the little kids walked over to a sprinkler with Jessica's sister. Two minutes later I glanced over to check on them and Grace was no where to be seen.

Now any parent knows the feeling I felt. First, a little nervous but still assured that I would spot her any second. Then as the seconds went by (which felt like minutes) I became more concerned, and finally as the minutes went by (feeling like hours) I began to feel devastated. While I am searching every possible place in the area I am feeling as though my world is crashing around me. I am so instantly scared that my biggest fear has come true. I lost my daughter. I let her down, I can't account for her, protect her, comfort her or care for her.

I'm sure it was only a matter of minutes but Jessica found Grace. She had spotted a swing set across the entire park and had made a bee line. Once she got there and realized she was alone she got upset. So it must have been a relief to see her Aunt, but things were not okay until we were reunited. I don't think I have ever felt so many emotions as I held my crying child; rubbing her back, cooing to her, hugging her, and at the same time comforting myself.

The rest of the day I have been recovering. I've had to stop running through the what-if's because I don't think I could handle it. But the point is she is okay, I am okay, we are together. It is by the power and grace of God and it was His will that she was protected and returned to me. For that I am grateful in way that is unexplainable.

So I guess I have a new perspective, after a day like today, my glass is running over. I will praise Him for what He has done for me and tomorrow I will buy a new phone.

Family Fun Day

One of the things that I love most about Paul is that when something is important to him, he gives it his everything. This is especially true when it comes to our family, Paul works extremely hard to provide us with everything that we need and often things that we want. Unfortunately this also means that he works many hours, including working evenings and weekends when he can. So this limits the amount of quality family time we get together. 

Last Saturday Paul surprised Grace and I with a family fun day. He got us up, packed up, loaded in the car and on the road. We headed to Sherwood for 'Cruisin' Sherwood' for their annual classic car show. It was a great time just walking around and looking at cars. Grace enjoyed looking at the cars and people so much that she even stayed in her stroller most of the time! The car show was also paired with the Farmers Market so there was plenty to look at!

We spent almost 3 hours just enjoying each others company, the sunshine and the sights. It was a great time to connect and just be a family, and it was free! These are the moments that mean most to us, we may not get as much time together but we are making a conscious effort to savor every chance that we have.