When I was pregnant with my first and went into labor at 26 weeks to say I was terrified is an understatement. I was frozen, I was lost but somehow I managed to pull it together and began fighting for both my daughter and my lives. I am incredibly grateful and blessed that 3 years later, Grace is the picture of a healthy, happy and flourishing child.
There were many times though that I questioned if I would ever see her take her first breath. I wondered if she did survive, if she would be healthy, if she would develop properly, if she would be able to have a "normal" life. And being on bedrest I had plenty of time to go through every possible scenario in my head. Worry, anxiety, frustration and depression loomed over my head constantly and heavily. And as the complications piled up, the pain and discomfort intensified and the risks began to increase. I was feeling disconnected and bracing myself for the worst. I didnt know how or where I would find the courage and strength to make it through my pregnancy without a nervous breakdown.
Cue my angel.
One night in the hospital I was trying to sleep and rest in hopes that the contractions would stop; I had a dream that would change not only my attitude but my faith. In my dream I went into my daughters room in the middle of the night in a panic, my heart heavy just knowing something was wrong. I felt out of control and scared. When I finally opened the door I stopped in my tracks and instantly felt peace. I was looking at my daughter, tucked in bed, sweetly smiling and perfectly content, kneeling next to her was my sister-in-law Tish. With a quick glance, an all knowing smile and slight eyeroll Tish told me to "go back to bed and rest, we're doing fine."
I woke up feeling a rush of comfort, peace and excitement. My daughter was perfect, she was healthy and while she was physically growing in my stomach, she was being spiritually grown and protected by her Aunt and her Heavenly Father. I still smile and fight a tear when I think of that moment. In some of my darkest hours God showed His mercy and love to me. He showed His power and His promise. He reminded me I was not fighting alone.
Our daughter was born after 10 weeks on bedrest. She was perfect. We named her Grace Tish, it means "Mercy or Blessing of Joy and Delight." There could not be a more fitting name for her.
I was brought to these memories tonight as I am awake, pregnant, on bedrest and facing more complications. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm relying on the comfort and faith I have that this baby is a purposeful gift from God. But I will be honest, I'm still scared, I'm still worried and I am anxious to see my child and know that he/she is okay. It can still be overwhelming at times. But God knows when I need my angel.
I woke up sick, and made my way to the couch with a cup of tea. Feeling physically miserable, and mentally defeated my mind started to wander to places that do me no good. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw our family memory book to celebrate Tish, as I read the quotes she loved, and stared at the pictures of her sure and confident smile I began to feel comfort. The baby began kicking and I remembered who it is that is holding my baby right now. So if I couldn't get emotional enough, or in case God thought I needed one more reassurance, Grace walked out of her room at 4 am while I wrote this post. She slept on her arm wrong and needed me to rub it and give her a hug.
As I tucked her back in bed, knelt beside her and brushed the hair out of her face, I whispered "go to sleep and get some rest, we're doing fine."
