Somebody Tell Them

My assignment yesterday was to share a song from the soundtrack of my life with my fellow starters. I thought long and hard, scrolled through several playlists and finally just opened up Shazam to see what songs had spoken to me recently. The first song listed was by City Harbor and was titled "Somebody Tell Them."

I listened to it again, and as my eyes filled with tears I realized that the message of this song is what God is calling me to write about. I have struggled with understanding what kind of blog I have, but looking at previous posts, it's evident to me now what God is asking me to do. My personal experiences, reflections and most intimate questions and challenges need to be exposed to encourage others who are experiencing similar things, but in the dark. For most of my life I suppressed the truths of my life for fear of rejection, inadequacy and doubt of my own self-worth. Then when I wrote about my struggles and lingering questions, the most amazing thing happened: I felt free, I felt accepted and I felt valuable.

I have received many notes of encouragement to keep writing, to keep sharing and keep encouraging. These notes mean so much to me and I humbly accept them but want to clearly put it out there that every blog I write, I do so because I have felt prompted that someone out there is waiting for me to tell them that it's all going to be okay and that they are not alone.

Thank you so much for your support and feedback. I truly appreciate the opportunity to share and encourage those who don't have the courage to ask. At the end of the day we are all children of God, and we are loved more then we know how to understand or accept.

Have a wonderful day and maybe think of a way you can share encouragement with someone today!

What am I doing this for?

For months I have been desiring to blog more. I have hesitated and procrastinated because of fear. Fear of judgment, criticism, not having anything valuable to say and rejection. These fears are stupid, unfounded but unfortunately they have ruled my brain.

This month I began a 24 day challenge to start writing more, conquer my fears and figure out exactly what it is my hear is desiring to say. I am currently on day nine, and I will just say the first week was rough.

The first few days I was doing great, I was motivated, excited and confident. But then I was faced with the reality of my life. I am busy, I am pulled in multiple directions and quite honestly I have been using so much of my mental energy on school. I just got overwhelmed and tried to put it all on the back burner.

An environment change seemed to be just what I needed though to get back on track. For the last 4 days I have been a sponsor for our middle school youth group at their summer camp. I am here to encourage them, disciple them and support them. (Oh and make sure they are in bed on time lol) What is great about this week beyond the kids, is that I have a lot of free time each day in a beautiful God centered space. Needless to say this has given me a lot of time to reflect and ask God what exactly I am supposed to do with this blog.

So I am sitting and pondering the question, "what am I doing this for?" Why do I feel the desire to write? What am I trying to say? Where do I want this blog to go? How can I impact others and speak God's truths?

I don't have the answers, but I am at least glad to be asking the question. My next step is to evaluate each question and keep moving forward with my writing efforts.

What are some of the areas that fear holds you back? What are the questions or actions that you can use to move forward to conquer your fears?

Parent Fail.

Relatively speaking Grace is an easy child. I say relative, because for us that includes her boundless energy, lack of fear and the ability to make us laugh instead of yell during one of her mischievous adventures. She was a great baby, eating and sleeping well. She transitioned to solid foods like a champ and began sleeping in a big girl bed with no problems. Most recently she made great strides in potty training. Once she is ready to learn something it just clicks.

So when she all of a sudden started having "accidents" in her underwear over the last 2 weeks both Paul and I grew frustrated and impatient with her. We knew she was capable of using the bathroom, she had been doing so well and it just felt like she didn't care anymore. We were disappointed and discouraged. We tried to remain calm and encouraging with her, we tried new rewards and incentives, we structured her schedule and got her back into her routine. It wasn't working, she was still having accidents and acting like it was out of her control.

Because it was out of her control.

Today I started piecing together her behaviors and symptoms and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My child wasn't regressing, rebelling or being plain stubborn; she had a urinary infection. I called the doctor, jumped through some hoops and got her a same day appointment. The doctor confirmed what my instincts were screaming. We picked up some antibiotics and headed home.

At the end of the day, Paul and I felt the same way; we had been too harsh on her. We let our frustration and our expectations take over our reactions and we were simply too hard on her. We apologized to her, told her that we make mistakes too and made sure she got extra cuddles tonight before bed. As badly as I feel, I won't beat myself up over it; instead I will try to learn from this experience. My intentions were good, I believed in my child and her capabilities. My failure came when I reacted before looking at the situation fully.

These are the days where I realize just how hard being a parent can be. 

No risk, no reward

A couple of weeks ago I was gathering books to share with our Financial Peace University class. While going through the bookshelves to pick them all out I became distracted and stuck. I had come across my very first diary. Using my best lock picking skills and a bobby pin I forced open the book and began reading.

The diary started the summer before 4th grade, right before I left for my first summer at camp. The book was filled with scribbled writings, poems, love letters, even some dried roses pressed between pages. It ends at the summer before middle school. (All 7th graders back then kept their journal in a black and white composition notebook of course) Most of the writings were daily accounts of the drama and excitement of my life. I was an active, social, and average preteen. What struck me though, is I had a habit of writing almost everyday.

I began to reflect on my lifelong hobby and my therapeutic use of writing. As long as I can remember I have kept a journal. Writing my thoughts down allows me to organize them and have a better chance at understanding them. But it's always my secret place.

Over the last year, however, I have begun to share my stories and thoughts. I have found that by putting my questions, realizations and personal experiences in a blog that not only am I freeing myself of them but I have been able to touch others with my story. I recently shared my darkest memories and deepest wounds with the world. The relief I felt and the encouragement I received have fueled a desire for me to share more.

So that brings me to this post. A few weeks ago I was challenged by Jon Acuff to join him on an adventure. There were no details, no explanations - just the expectation that it would last 24 days and would be an experience to push me out of my comfort zone and into greatness. I accepted.

Now I know that my personal challenge for the next 24 days, starting tomorrow, is to let go of my fear and start sharing my blog postings more regularly. It's time to be vulnerable, honest, and true to myself. I hope you join me on this journey. Read my blog, provide constructive or positive feedback and be praying for me along the way. I appreciate all the support and encouragement and look forward to this opportunity for growth.

Night Terrors and Mommy Fears

Grace has been occasionally having night terrors for the last year and a half. I typically wake up to her screaming and sobbing, usually sitting in bed and appearing to be awake yet she has no awareness of her surroundings or my presence. There is little I can do to comfort her - mostly I rub her forehead and speak calming words to her until she calms down and falls back asleep. I feel helpless, horrified and heart broken. 

The next morning Grace will wake up bounding with energy and acting like her happy go lucky two year old self. Meanwhile, I am exhausted from not sleeping, because even after she falls back asleep, I lie awake, praying for her peace and comfort, wondering what she was dreaming, googling how to prevent it etc etc. She doesn't remember anything, and I remember everything.

That's what fear does though. It gets inside of us, it grows and can eventually consume us. I know that there are nights that I will wake up to her cry and by the time I am falling back asleep I have gone through every possible bad thing that could ever happen to her. Fear does that. It robs us of our comfort, our peace and our strength. 

It's natural for fear to come easily in parenthood, after all being responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of another human is scary. But fear will gladly infiltrate every other area of our life. Our relationships, our jobs, school, our daily life and our faith. 

So how do we conquer fear? The only answer for me is God. He is the only one who can promise to relieve my fears and actually deliver. The bible has tons of scripture about fear, in fact it's what we are talking about at VBS this week: Facing Fear and Trusting God. But I keep coming back to the scripture that seems to provide me with comfort, hope, encouragement and peace in every situation. 

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

It's pretty direct, it's a promise and it conquers all fear. I hate that Grace has night terrors, but she has God caring for her, and He blesses her every time she wakes with no memory of the horrible night. I have fears daily, but I am blessed by God every time I remember that He is here for me. None of my fears are bigger than Him. 

Now, the hard part is what we are teaching the kids this week, trusting God. It's not natural to relinquish our sense of control and our own pride when it comes to turning our fears over to God. But it is absolutely necessary. We can't expect Him to do the work in us that He has promised if we won't give Him the control. So this week as we challenge the kids to face their fears and trust God, it's a great reminder for me to do the exact same.